Thursday, August 14, 2008

Another Due Date

I was due to have a baby this week. My last pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage at Christmastime) was supposed to have been born by now.

It's hard for me to think about it like that. I am still so very sad for the losses I endured last year. It was honestly, easily, hands-down the worst year of my life, and honestly I couldnt be happier that 2007 is over and done with. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got through that nightmarish period of my life.

Sweet Little Baby, I think of you all the time. Mommy and Daddy and Hannah miss you so much. Even little Hannah knew the pain and heartbreak of losing you. When your big sister is a little older, I will tell her more about you, and the other siblings that she will never get to meet. For now, I take comfort in the fact that you are in Heaven, in God's hands, experiencing no pain. The song "Glory Baby" was a good healing tool for me, and everytime I hear it, it makes me think of you. I also finished a memory book for Mother's Day, in your honor. You will always have a very special place in my heart. You were too fragile for earth, but you lived with me for six weeks, and I will never ever forget that joyful time.

Some days I still have a hard time connecting, and realizing that the new reality is: I AM pregnant again. Most days it's very hard for me to push away the doubt and fears, and actually be excited about this new little one. It's definitely a very personal, growing, difficult, healing process. These past experiences have severely tested my faith and my family relationships.

I'm sorry that it took so many losses for me to be here now. This journey has been long and hard, and it's not over yet - but I can say that I am thankful to God, for placing me where I am today.

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