Raising little people can be exhausting. Raising little people who refuse to sleep creates havoc in my life, and splinters out towards everyone else in the household. I keep telling myself to just hang on and get through to the end of the week. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
When we got the call about our latest placement, two months ago, we told them that we could only be a short term provider for her. With her special needs, logistical issues, many many appointments, and clashing personalities, it was pretty obvious that we couldn't keep all the balls juggling in the air without a serious breakdown of our own family. We realized our limitations and voiced them to the sw, licensing worker, and case manager. The next thing we did was set a clear end date: on THIS DAY, you need to find a permanent placement for this child.
I was feeling incredibly guilty and overwhelmed. I understand the serious responsibility of being entrusted to raise another person's child. But this child wasn't "clicking" with me, with my husband, and with several of the other children in our household. We were clashing. We were frustrated. I was utterly exhausted.
I was feeling guilty because of several reasons. 1. This placement was not our first choice. We initially said "No". I was feeling guilty because I felt inadequate to meet this child's needs (plus the needs of other kids), and because moving her to a new placement would set her back, cause regression and negative behaviors, separate her ever further from siblings, and undo the progress she had began to make. 2. I didn't know where she would go. The cw had told us that NO ONE else in the county was willing to take in this child. If we were her only option, what would the alternative be? The uncertainty was weighing heavily on me. 3. I was feeling guilty that I was overwhelmed. It was difficult for me to admit my concerns and be honest with the workers about our struggles. It is NOT the child's fault that they are in care, but difficult behaviors and undiagnosed issues, and major logistic/scheduling conflicts were making it really difficult to focus necessary attention on the four other kids at home.
However, I should not have worried. Our God is bigger than any of the problems we face. All the guilt and uncertainty melted away once we found a more suitable placement for the child. Now she is in a home where she can get all the focus and attention she needs , so that she can continue to grow and thrive. And I can stay in contact and know that she is happy and healthy. Praise God, who works things out in his timing.
