Wednesday, December 31, 2014


Eight years ago, when I was struggling heavily with miscarriage and secondary infertility, I was in a very deep dark place. God was able to meet me where I was, and eventually, helped me move from that pit of despair into a more functional life, day by day. After I wallowed in all that pain and suffering and loss, after time healed me just a little bit, I was able to push through and move forward, one tiny baby step at a time.

It seems like a lifetime ago, when I was struggling in that way. After all, I haven't had a miscarriage since December 2007. I've also birthed two babies since then. Life has almost come full circle. For the most part, time has healed those wounds from 8 years ago. Yet the emotions that overwhelmed me then, are still very real to me now.

Now I am in a despair of a different kind. I am discontent and discouraged by certain things of this world, things over which I have absolutely no control. I am looking for answers where there are none, asking for certainties when no one knows what will come tomorrow. I want promises, security, definites. I want to hear "yes" or "no", not "maybe" or "wait". Yet I must deal with the uncertainties we face. So I struggle with the unknown, waiting to see what the future will bring.

Being a foster parent has sometimes put me in an emotionally overwhelming place... so much so, that I just might end up back in that manic, obsessive state that I was in eight years ago, as we were trying to get pregnant again. For different reasons, I am again crying out and asking the same question of God: "Why?"

I sometimes search through the photolistings on, but tonight I had to close the website and put it away from my mind. I just couldn't deal with the heartache, all the loss and pain wrapped up in those little lives, their life stories abbreviated to a few sentences on an online directory. You can often see it in their eyes, what they've been through, how strong they are. Overcomers.

I don't know about you, but I've heard of the trend to pick a word, one word, to describe you for the year. I don't really like resolutions, so one word seems easier to me than making a list of goals that are generally unrealistic and/or unattainable. (To me, resolutions read more like personal shortcomings in my mind.)

Last year, my word was faith. Have faith.

This year, it will be HOPE.

My favorite verse in the whole Holy book is Hebrews 11:1, and it contains both of these words. (You can look it up here if you don't know it.) I think this year, in 2015, I'm going to rest on His promises, put emphasis on new things, and have HOPE that He who started a good work in me, will see it to completion.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

merry broken Christmas

Christmas is often called "the most wonderful time of the year." But sometimes, it's really not. Sometimes the tragedies and hardships in our lives, and the injustices of this world, weigh us down. Sometimes our families are broken. Sometimes we lose our hope.

That is when we need the Christmas message most of all.

If you are feeling worn-out, tired, joyless and broken this Christmas season, please read this message: 

Here is another message of hope by Ann Voscamp:

Monday, December 22, 2014

Click to help

Here is an easy way to help kids in foster care!
For each blog post shared, Bloggin' Mamas is donating a toy to a foster child. 
Click below for more info about how you can help waiting child in your area.

Today, 402,000 children are in the foster care system in the United States. Nearly 102,000 children (under 18 years of age) waiting for adoption. During this holiday season, there's an extra push to help them find homes. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, AdoptUSKids and the Ad Council recently unveiled a new series of public service advertisements (PSAs) designed to continue to encourage the adoption of children from foster care with an emphasis on the importance of keeping siblings together. Check out this PSA video from the Ad Council: Since the launch of the campaign in 2004, more than 22,000 children who were once photo-listed on the AdoptUSKids website are now with their adoptive families, and over 35,000 families have registered to adopt through AdoptUSKids. Many times, there are siblings listed. Approximately 23% of children and youth actively photolisted on the AdoptUSKids website and waiting for placement in adoptive homes were registered with one or more siblings. Sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting relationships for children in foster care. For more information about adoption, or about becoming an adoptive parent to a child from foster care, please visit or  Facebook and Twitter.

Disclosure: I was not compensated for this post. I am donating this space towards sharing this message. Bloggin' Mamas and Element Associates will be donating a toy to a foster child in exchange for my post, in support of AdoptUSKids.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


An occurrence that happened earlier today: I was speaking with a new friend and had the baby with me. The friend's 6 year old suddenly ran up to me, and said in the loudest voice possible: "You have a BROWN BABY! And you are A LIGHT MOMMY!" I said, "yes, that's true." I mean, it is pretty obvious.

The mom-friend was completely mortified, embarrassed beyond belief. She admonished the child and started to explain adoption. The mom was saying that sometimes, mommies and daddies can't always take care of their babies. Not wanting to mislead, I had to clarify and explain fostering. I said that I am the "extra mommy" who is taking care of the baby until the mom and/or dad gets better.

I thought the incident went pretty well. I mean, the baby and I do look different, and young children without filters are apt to point out such differences. It did not insult me. (should it have insulted me? I really don't think so. The child was simply stating a fact.)

However, it prompted two lines of thought for me:
1. My children, and others in similar situations, are growing up thinking that "un-matching" skin tones are fairly normal, if not the norm. I'm glad that they will not be ignorant or close-minded in this regard.
2. It gave me a teeny tiny glimpse of what might happen on the playground in a few years if the baby is adopted by a "light" family. In this case, there wasn't any kind of bias or prejudice, the child was simply stating a fact. What if there was prejudice? How would I have reacted? What would have been the appropriate thing to say to a six year old then?

I know that the best way to combat prejudice and hate is with kindness and love, so I guess I will try that next time.

That is what I will be thinking of, going forward.

I try to be aware of what it is like for "brown" people, how they are sometimes viewed differently.... and it just makes me sad that there have to be such great distinctions and divides in our society. Why can't we all just be one race, the human race? Of course we all come from different backgrounds, we have varied cultural and religious experiences, and that's all fine and good. But I wish with all my heart that people could be more colorblind and less prone to judgement.