Wednesday, December 31, 2014


Eight years ago, when I was struggling heavily with miscarriage and secondary infertility, I was in a very deep dark place. God was able to meet me where I was, and eventually, helped me move from that pit of despair into a more functional life, day by day. After I wallowed in all that pain and suffering and loss, after time healed me just a little bit, I was able to push through and move forward, one tiny baby step at a time.

It seems like a lifetime ago, when I was struggling in that way. After all, I haven't had a miscarriage since December 2007. I've also birthed two babies since then. Life has almost come full circle. For the most part, time has healed those wounds from 8 years ago. Yet the emotions that overwhelmed me then, are still very real to me now.

Now I am in a despair of a different kind. I am discontent and discouraged by certain things of this world, things over which I have absolutely no control. I am looking for answers where there are none, asking for certainties when no one knows what will come tomorrow. I want promises, security, definites. I want to hear "yes" or "no", not "maybe" or "wait". Yet I must deal with the uncertainties we face. So I struggle with the unknown, waiting to see what the future will bring.

Being a foster parent has sometimes put me in an emotionally overwhelming place... so much so, that I just might end up back in that manic, obsessive state that I was in eight years ago, as we were trying to get pregnant again. For different reasons, I am again crying out and asking the same question of God: "Why?"

I sometimes search through the photolistings on, but tonight I had to close the website and put it away from my mind. I just couldn't deal with the heartache, all the loss and pain wrapped up in those little lives, their life stories abbreviated to a few sentences on an online directory. You can often see it in their eyes, what they've been through, how strong they are. Overcomers.

I don't know about you, but I've heard of the trend to pick a word, one word, to describe you for the year. I don't really like resolutions, so one word seems easier to me than making a list of goals that are generally unrealistic and/or unattainable. (To me, resolutions read more like personal shortcomings in my mind.)

Last year, my word was faith. Have faith.

This year, it will be HOPE.

My favorite verse in the whole Holy book is Hebrews 11:1, and it contains both of these words. (You can look it up here if you don't know it.) I think this year, in 2015, I'm going to rest on His promises, put emphasis on new things, and have HOPE that He who started a good work in me, will see it to completion.

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