What if they say no?

I have this semi-irrational fear that I will call our local DSS and find out that, for some reason or another, we will not be allowed to take the foster parent classes that begin on Sept 8th. The foster parent classes that we cleared our schedules for over six months ago. The classes that I have been hoping and praying about for FIVE YEARS, that Mike finally just agreed to this spring.

Anyway, I am calling them tomorrow morning, and Ms T the social worker will either say "Yes, you are welcome to be in the class", or "No, unfortunately we don't have space for you at this time." And whichever answer it is, I am supposed to be ok with it. Because whatever happens, I have been assured over and over, is how it is meant to be.

The anxiety is getting to me.

Yesterday I explained my thoughts and asked my husband, "If we can't be in this class, what will we do?!?!?" He very calmly answered "That just means we aren't supposed to do it RIGHT NOW. Maybe now is not the right time" ...although he went on to say "I doubt it though. I think all signs point to yes. Look at all that's happened to put us in this position right now." He went on to elaborate about our move, the new house, his job and payrate, etc.

When he said "maybe not now", I had never considered that. I like to have my hopes and dreams and plans come true - but often in my own timing, not God's. And just as trying to have a second baby didn't go the way I wanted it to go, maybe God has plans that are far different, and far better, than the ones in my head. I guess I just have to keep trusting him, and put aside my own selfish wants. The song "This is Only a Mountain" has been repeating itself over & over in my head all weekend. How appropriate.

In the meantime, I found a new "Isaiah" at adoptuskids.org and I can't get the idea of him, or at the very least, the idea of an adopted son, out of my mind. In the photolisting, this Isaiah has dark curly hair that is identical to Mike's hair.

I don't know much about him, but I do know that this child needs a family to love and care for him. The big question is: Who will it be? I hope he finds them soon.

Pleasantly Surprised

We just spent a week, me and the kids, visiting with my family. When we got home, I was pleasantly surprised to see the things Mike had done around the house while we were gone. He vacuumed, which is ALWAYS appreciated :) He also bought a giant tv, which I wasn't so excited about... but in the process he rearranged the furniture in the living room, giving us more floor space. And it is a really nice bonus that we can watch the Olympics on tv, instead of just seeing tiny video clips online. But the best thing my husband did while we were gone: hang pictures on the walls! Our previously bare walls are now so nice-looking! I LOVE it! I had two huge boxes full of picture frames sitting in a corner of the living room and was overwhelmed at the idea of hanging them up. The task was just too daunting for me. Plus I'm not so great with a hammer, and was likely to whack my thumb or mistakenly make a giant hole in the wall where a nail should go. He even created "themes": family pics in the living room, landscapes in the guest room, a nautical/beach theme upstairs in the hallway, duckies in the kids' bathroom, and wedding portraits in our room. He arranged everything so nicely. Good job, honey, thank you.

I am overworked, underpaid, overtired, and completely unappreciated.
Mike has been working night shift and today he was especially exhausted.

This morning he "wanted to vent" and spent an hour complaining. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide. I tried to look past how tired he was and just nod and go about my day. Feeding children, laundry, dishes, toys, etc.

This afternoon he treated me really poorly, verging on verbal abuse. After 20 minutes of sobbing, I got an apology. I've been fighting not to cry ever since. He wonders why I get depressed - maybe it's because I am made to feel worthless. I know that my worth as a person should come from God, not anyone else. I know HE thinks I am cherished. But when your spouse acts as if you are a lazy irresponsible disrespectful wife & mother, it kind of colors the rest of your day. I know he loves me, but some days he has a totally awful way of showing it.

He says he is trying to make our home perfect. I tell him at this point that's completely unnecessary. We only moved 2 weeks ago. I am totally ok with boxes hiding behind the couch, clothes not put away, nothing hung on the walls. What in the world does he expect?!?

I don't want it to sound like Mike is always terrible to me.
I don't want to make excuses for him either.
I can't figure him out.

exhausted.

The last week has been completely physically and emotionally draining.
This week is VBS at our church, so that is also exhausting.
Three and a half hours with 12 three-year-olds would make anyone tired.
At least all the boxes are opened, and we know where almost everything is.

Mike completely lost his temper with me tonight. I don't know what set him off, but I hate when he gets so angry. Now his bff is spending the rest of the evening with us, so they'll most likely ignore me. Today, I kind of prefer it that way, being alone... although Mike gets faaaar more down time than I do.

Am I resentful, that I so rarely get time away from the kids? probably so.
I just wish he'd recognize that instead of me begging to do something on my own.

Inspections and repairs.

Today we did inspections on the new house, and got back the inspection report for our little brown house. Mike is now completely stressed and overwhelmed at the amount of expensive repairs they are asking us to complete.... within the next 2-4 weeks. It's completely ridiculous. If you don't want to do any repairs, then don't try to buy a 32 year old house!

He actually said something like "Maybe we should just give up on the whole thing and walk away. Stay here for another year, do those major repairs bit by bit, and try to sell the house again next spring." Hopefully in a couple months we will be laughing at those words. I highly doubt that just giving up and not moving is the right answer. I don't know why he'd want to give up on the whole thing. But they are asking for some completely ludicrous repairs: replacing ALL the siding on the house? New windows and windowseals everywhere? Incorrect brace sizes on the deck and treehouse? And something about our AC not working properly (the unit was replaced in 2009!). SO many tedious things... Ugh it makes tired just thinking about all the money it would take to do what they are asking. There's just no way.

I love my husband, but sometimes he is just too headstrong.
Why would he give up now?
Who says we have to do any repairs, really?
Don't you get what you pay for?!

New house?

This morning we officially put in an offer on a new house, the one we've been referring to as "Mike's favorite house" for the past three weeks. Twelve hours later, at 9pm, we finally hear back from the sellers. The realtor tells us that they aren't willing to budge on the asking price. This house has been on the market for OVER 300 DAYS! You'd expect them to be willing to work with us. What happens if Mike's dream house is $5,000 more than we think we can afford? What does that mean, and where does it leave us?

Throughout this whole house-hunting process, I have been praying for wisdom and hoping that we don't become selfish or greedy by asking for too much. I am still hoping and praying for these things, but even more so now that I'm realizing how quickly things can change. I am trying hard to go in the direction that God has mapped out for me and my family. But this mission is especially difficult when Mike and I are convinced that we should be going completely separate ways!

Money comes and goes so fast... I don't want to have to focus on it. I want us to put time and energy and resources into things that have lasting value. Like children. New generations of kids growing up to love God and each other and the world around them. Church planting and kingdom building. Sharing the truth of God's love with friends as well as strangers. Memories and unique experiences. The kind of things that are really priceless.

Cleaning and Expecting

For the last three days, I have gotten up two hours early and spent that time cleaning, scrubbing, washing, organizing, discarding, and putting things away properly. Along the way I am sometimes thanking God and preparing for our day, but my thoughts and motives are primarily about getting our house to look spotless for any unexpected visitors that might want a tour of our home.

Then the kids wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast.... while I am frantically going behind them and cleaning up every crumb, speck of dust, each dropped sock or toy or out-of-place Lego piece, etc. A friend walked into this house yesterday and said "Wow. This place doesn't even really look lived-in." Well believe me lady, we are still living here. It just takes a ton of work to make it look like we don't.

Now it's 2pm on Saturday and I keep expecting a phone call, but no one has called about the house since Monday morning. Am I anxious and expectant? Am I too impatient? I think the correct answer is "yes."

I think I am expecting God to meet MY goals on MY timeline, instead of waiting for Him to do His work.

I am still convinced that He has big plans for our family, plans that involved sacrifice and change, but Mike isn't quite seeing the same big picture as me (yet?). Right now he is convinced that moving to the next county, rather than staying in Durham, and "sacrificing" by staying at a job that he doesn't really like, is the sacrifice I must be talking about. And he thinks the "big plans" and "change" must refer to the foster care & adoption classes we plan to take later this year. Even though these are changes and plans, I think that God is asking something more than that from our family. I'm just not able to explain it in words or see it clearly yet.

I need to trust in God's good plans for us, and rest in the promise that they are better than anything I can dream up on my own.

On that note, I'm going to go read Proverbs 3 now, while the little kids are still taking a nap.

If you read this, reply by telling me what you're doing this weekend.

Yesterday when Mike checked the mail, he found two magazines for me. One was a parenting magazine, the other was a homeschooling catalog. He brought it inside and excitedly said "You should take a look at this homeschool catalog. I bet you could get last year's books on sale really cheap!" I was amazed: was he suggesting what I thought he might be suggesting?! A little seed-thought was planted in my mind: What if I should home-school next year?
I had dropped the idea for awhile because he seemed so totally against it. But now I am tempted to give him an ultimatum, and suggest that if Hannah does not get accepted into any of the magnet or charter schools we've applied to, then maybe it means that God wants her to learn from home next year (along with the younger kids, of course).

I continue to be awed by the way God has calmed all my fears and worries on the subject of education. I am completely confident that He will lead us in the direction that he wants our family to go, whether it is public school, homeschool, or something else. Last year at this time I was so torn and distraught about all the different schooling options out there. But now I'm completely at peace and not losing any sleep about it at all. It makes a huge difference when you trust in God, and not yourself.

Sick and sad.

Mike told me about this news story early this morning when he got home from work. He fortunately did not have to respond to it, but he said when the call came in last night, he couldnt sleep at all after that. I dont blame him. I have been thinking about that family all day. The oldest child was the one who got away and was able to call for help and get the neighbor, a nurse, to come to the house. This particular neighborhood is only a few miles from us, and I know several families who live there. It is really disturbing.

I cannot fathom how a parent could kill their child with their own bare hands.

______________________________________________________________________________________


In other news, I am still sick with a bad cold that has turned into a hacking cough and isnt getting better. This has been going on for 5 days now. Ive been to 2 different doctors this week and theyve both told me its just a virus, there's nothing they can do for me. There's not much medication I can take while pregnant.

Daddy in charge = frustrating.

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Along the way I stopped to buy a new carseat for Hannah. I left the kids at home for precisely 90 minutes. Whenever Mike is left at home with them, I always come home disappointed, and the house is always a huge, gigantic disaster. Today was no exception. While Daddy was in charge, Aliah spent the hour and a half eating Fruity Pebbles, while Hannah watched 37 episodes of Thomas the Train Engine. Books and toys and little matchbox cars covered the living room floor.
Ummm... At least no one got hurt this time, right?
The twenty five minutes of peace and quiet during the car ride home was totally NOT worth all the stress and grief that I came back home to. I wish he would get more involved with them. But he does not have a single idea what to do unless I tell him, clearly and directly, about eighteen times in a row. Then occasionally he will do it. But he cant take the initiative himself. It is so frustrating!
Now he's spending the rest of his day hammering and sawing away outside, trying to built Hannah's tree house. Im glad that he is trying to get this project done, but it means that he will spend zero time with me and the kids during his days off. I just wish that he would help me instead of doing his own thing all the time. Case in point?: Yesterday I spent 4 hours at church and another 3 hours scouring a consignment sale to get cheap clothes and things we need for our kids. I made them lunch and dinner and bathe them and put them to bed. What did he do all day? Sit on the couch, hang out with his buddy, drink beer and watch football. Ok it is a day of rest on Sunday, but he didnt even bother to wash any dishes or clean the kitchen that he dirtied up! UGH!

Anyways, as for my doctor's appointment, all is well. I am a little over 31 weeks pregnant, and baby is measuring a week ahead (32.5 cms). Baby's heartrate is in the 140's, as usual. My bp is prefect at 120/60, so no concerns about pre-eclampsia this time, either. I did gain seven pounds in the last 3 weeks... ooops? I'll chalk it up to sharing my in-laws diet this past week whle we were vacationing with them, which includes lots of prepared, fatty/high-sodium foods and ice cream.
I have some kind of nasal infection that is giving me a sore throat, coughing, runny nose, congestion, ect. but it is not affecting the baby at all. I have been drinking ridiculous amounts of water, thinking that it would help, but it just makes me have to pee every 20 minutes. Lately my hips have been particularly sore and painful, but apparently this is very common with subsequent pregnancies, and I should just get used to waddling and hobbling around like an arthritic old lady for the next 2 months or so.

Beach, Day 1

It's 5am. Hannah wakes up, hears rain outside, and begins screaming "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! I dont want a hurricane to come! I dont want it to knock our house down! MOMMY! Im scared!" I try to calm her down quickly and quietly, that it is only rain, and rain does not hurt us, and it's too early to be awakr. But this loud outburst wakes up her sister, and so of course Aliah wants to join in on the screaming and yelling too (even though she doesnt know what Hannah is actually talking about. She just wants to make noise).

Why do children insist on waking up early while on vacation? Come on! We're not even in a different state or time zone!

That being said, I am very grateful that we can be on vacation right now. It is good to spend time with Mike's family, and I am really grateful that he has this week off from work. He has been looking forward to getting some rest and relaxation at the beach for months and months now. Let's just hope the weather cooperates so that we can really enjoy the beach while we're here.

The terrible, horrible dream.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare about Mike dying. He got an emergency call about a construction worker who was entrapped at a work site, someone who was stuck inside a big hole of dirt. When he got there, the illegal Mexican immigrant was just climbing out of the big dirt hole. He was afraid of being deported or facing jail and criminal charges... and he was waving a gun around. He shot Mike in the chest, right next to his heart, and Mike was killed immediately.
(Mike said that in real life, this kind of non-emergency "rescue call" situation would have been a police problem, not a paramedic problem. But it was just realistic enough to have me good and scared, and really sad.)
He went to work that morning, and never came home again. I was beyond devastated. In the dream, I saw it all happen a little later, through the grainy black-and-white videotaped recording from a police cruiser. It was so, so awful. I had to make funeral arrangements. Then I had to speak at the funeral. I said something like "seven and a half years isnt nearly enough time to love someone, when you are supposed to be together for a lifetime." Then I had to bury my husband, and figure out how to be a widow and a single mom with two, but very-soon-to-be three, little kids. How was I going to have another baby without Mike around to help and love and support us? How were we going to make it without him? Pay the bills? Keep our house? What were we going to DO? I spent days and days locked in my room, hiding under blankets, bawling my eyes out, wishing that my heart could be ripped out, too.
Then I woke up, and knew it wasn't real.

To My Husband:
When you threw all of those clothes out of my closet today, I was very angry at you. I would not have been more upset if you had literally thrown it all into the garbage. Did you think I was lying, or trying to hide something, when I said that there were "only clothes" in my closet??? I feel like you completely disrespected all of my possessions and my own personal space (what little I have, if any).
I try hard to make sure that the kids and I dont inconvenience you (ESPECIALLY during weeks like this one, when you are working night shift) or create more work for you to do after you come home. I keep up with the chores and housework (yes, some days more than others). Most of all, I do my best to respect your privacy. I feel like you owe me the same basic courtesy, yet I end up stepped-on, scared to move, and struggling not to cry.
When I tried to tell you how you made me feel, it seemed as if you cut me off and quickly moved on to whatever it was that you regarded as "more important". And you know, although I hate this callous side of you, I am also resentful if it too. THat you would be so quick to dismiss me is another thing that sets me off and just makes me want to scream at you. But I dont. You, however, have no problem raising your voice, no matter who can hear you. But when I try to move our disagreement into another room, or quiet down the conversation, you refuse to back down. You accuse me of "never talking to you" and not explaining to you how I feel. and you force me to defend and retaliate. It makes me so sad. Why should our children have to hear and see all of our disagreements? Why should Hannah have to catch me crying after her bedtime?
Yes, an apology is nice, but I just want you to validate my feelings sometimes. And hearing you say "I'm sorry" does not guarantee immediate forgiveness from me, even if that is what you want, or what you expect of me as your wife. It simply does not work that way. I am human and sinful and I need time to process all of these things before I can grant you amnesty for the latest offense.
Then you offered to clean up the gigantic mess you made, which would have been helpful, but I think that is a moot point... considering that you wont be home until 8am, and I am the one who has to sleep in the master bedroom that is absolutely covered in piles of clothes. I cant see the bed, how could I possibly sleep in this hurricane-disaster-site space?
I am utterly exhausted in every way. I am tired of cleaning up everyone else's messes and barely having time to take care of my own needs. Example: It has been four days since I last took a shower. At this point I would rather stand outside in the pouring rain, rather than waste the time and energy it would take to create a warm bath.

15 months old.

These pictures were taken at Duke Gardens a couple weeks ago. I forgot that they were on my camera!



Aliah had her 15-month-old check-up this week. She now weighs 23 pounds and is 31 inches tall. She has dropped from the 95 percentile to the 50th. But she never stops moving, and eats more than her big sister, so no worries there. ((My in-laws are always asking about "the newest thing" that the kids are doing and I have such a hard time thinking of anything "new" to tell them. So I was glad that I could call them with some kind of "news" to report. At this point it just seems like we are doing the same stuff over and over and over again every day.))

Poor girl had to get three shots too. Hannah said "It made me sad last time Aliah got shots. It hurt me when she got them, and I was so sad for her that I wanted to cry too." I knew she loved her baby sister, but wow, I didnt know she was quite that sensitive.

Hannah has REALLY opened up and come out of her shell lately. She is so much more outgoing and talkative and I am really proud of her. On the flip side, this means that she rarely STOPS talking. Sometimes I have to insist on "quiet time" just so I dont have to hear constant chatter all day long. And of course the girls feed off of each other. If one of them laughs or sings or cries, the other has to do it too, just 4 times louder. It is not always sweet. In fact, it can be annoying. Especially in the car.

Mike applied for a promotion at work this week. I have no idea when he will hear anything about it or how competitive it is. He has been pretty vague about describing it to me. We'll see what happens with that.... Tonight he and a friend drove to DC to participate in a Tax Day political protest at the Capital. Interesting. They are staying with my relatives in NW DC. Hope they have a good time.

Hannah prayed that they would have a safe trip home :) She really misses her daddy when he is away. I guess they both do: Tonight at bedtime, Aliah got dressed in her pjs and then ran into our room, yelling "Dada, Dada!", looking for him. She thought he was laying in bed, waiting to say goodnight. She didnt understand that he wasn't home.

Well, we'll see him on Friday night.

Wake-up!

I love my girls so much, and I am so thankful that I get to be a stay-at-home mom right now. But I am run-down. I give all I can to them, and don't have enough time at the end of the day to properly care for myself (let along washing things, household chores, paying bills, etc). Just feeding Aliah is a full-time job in itself! I find myself eating granola bars or chocolate milk as meals, sometimes pbj sandwiches - whatever I can grab and consume with one hand. And more often than not, remembering to take my vitamins and meds is a forgotten habit that I just can't seem to get going again.

Right now Mike is working as many overtime shifts as he can, just to ensure that we can pay all our bills and put food on the table. He is severely stressed and burned-out. He never gives himself a break.

This morning, after I had been up all night long with Hannah, who was refusing to go to sleep and insisting on interrupting my sleep-time every hour or two, Mike came home ranting about having to get a new driver's license, and how he couldn't find some important papers.... Ok yeah, the papers were important to him, but it was not necessary to wake up everyone else in the house at 8am. He acts so angry and aggressive, and I don't just mean sometimes. He doesn't have time for a hobby with his insane work schedule, so he ends up taking it out on me. It's not fair, and I'm not trying to make excuses for him... That's just what happens.

Something has got to give, but I am scared about what exactly that will be, and what it will look like.

In the meantime, we have lots of birthdays to celebrate over the next 3 weeks.
Mike is turning thirty this weekend. He is feeling really, really old.
I told him that for my birthday, I want two hours by myself. With NO interruptions. I Need Me Time. We'll see if that happens.

Don't Send Him to the Grocery Store

Marriage Rule Number 167:
Do not ever send your husband to the grocery store alone. Even if he has a specific, detailed list, he will spend at least twice as much as you want him to.

CASE IN POINT:
Mike said he was just going to "get out of the house", and then he went out and bought over $500 worth of groceries this afternoon!!! Granted, he got enough food for a month and a half... but seriously, don't you think that's a little excessive?! 0ur food budget just is not that large. Money does not grow on trees or magically fall out of the sky these days, you know.

Good news

MIKE PASSED HIS PARAMEDIC EXAM!
Now he will be cleared to work anywhere in the United States!

Thank you to everyone who prayed for him this week.
God heard and answered our prayers.

Crawling to DC

Aliah is crawling to DC, to demand change: a stronger law that will help keep our families safe and healthy, thereby protecting us from toxic chemicals found in household products. Go to this link to support Aliah's crawling efforts :)

---

My in-laws are coming to visit for the weekend! Other than following Hannah around downtown while she is trick-or-treating, I don't have any ideas of ways to entertain them while they are here. Poor Mike has to work 4 day shifts in a row, so he won't get to spend very much time with his parents :(

Also, Mike took his national paramedic exam last night. He has to wait one week for the test results. Pray that he passed (he is afraid that he failed)!

It is 11:30 pm, and right now my husband is chasing deer through our neighborhood.
He just attempted to hit one with his car (and failed).
He told me that he wishes he owned a gun; if we did, he says we'd be eating venison this week.

I think he is insane.
What's your opinion?

This afternoon, our driveway looked like a used-car junkyard.

Our MOPS meeting tonight went really well. There were five moms who showed up tonight. I am hoping for more moms to come in the future, but right now I am really happy with our little group. I also recently joined a Bible study that meets on Wednesday mornings. Our first real meeting is tomorrow - I'm hoping to learn and grow there as well.

I am afraid that Aliah is coming down with something. She has been vomiting/spitting up all of her milk, and she has had 3 diarrhea-like diapers today (although it might have been because of the avocado that she ate for dinner last night?). No fever right now, but we'll be keeping a close eye on her.

Mike spent 10 or 12 hours trying to fix our vehicles today. It took him quite awhile to figure out exactly how to change the brakes on the minivan. For awhile this afternoon, our driveway looked like a used-car junkyard. But he ultimately did a great job. Then he had to replace the starter and the battery in his old Chevy Lumina (which probably isn't worth more than $300, but he loves that broken old car!). Too bad we had to go into debt in order to make those much-needed repairs. All 3 vehicles need to be inspected really soon. And taxes paid, and registration fees.... oh, how I hate money!

It's only been 4 days since Mike last worked (10 more vacation days to go!), and already he is getting antsy and impatient being at home. Only two more days until we get another paycheck... I think we'll make it. Because ---

GOD is providing for all of our needs!