Tuesday, July 13, 2010

To My Husband:
When you threw all of those clothes out of my closet today, I was very angry at you. I would not have been more upset if you had literally thrown it all into the garbage. Did you think I was lying, or trying to hide something, when I said that there were "only clothes" in my closet??? I feel like you completely disrespected all of my possessions and my own personal space (what little I have, if any).
I try hard to make sure that the kids and I dont inconvenience you (ESPECIALLY during weeks like this one, when you are working night shift) or create more work for you to do after you come home. I keep up with the chores and housework (yes, some days more than others). Most of all, I do my best to respect your privacy. I feel like you owe me the same basic courtesy, yet I end up stepped-on, scared to move, and struggling not to cry.
When I tried to tell you how you made me feel, it seemed as if you cut me off and quickly moved on to whatever it was that you regarded as "more important". And you know, although I hate this callous side of you, I am also resentful if it too. THat you would be so quick to dismiss me is another thing that sets me off and just makes me want to scream at you. But I dont. You, however, have no problem raising your voice, no matter who can hear you. But when I try to move our disagreement into another room, or quiet down the conversation, you refuse to back down. You accuse me of "never talking to you" and not explaining to you how I feel. and you force me to defend and retaliate. It makes me so sad. Why should our children have to hear and see all of our disagreements? Why should Hannah have to catch me crying after her bedtime?
Yes, an apology is nice, but I just want you to validate my feelings sometimes. And hearing you say "I'm sorry" does not guarantee immediate forgiveness from me, even if that is what you want, or what you expect of me as your wife. It simply does not work that way. I am human and sinful and I need time to process all of these things before I can grant you amnesty for the latest offense.
Then you offered to clean up the gigantic mess you made, which would have been helpful, but I think that is a moot point... considering that you wont be home until 8am, and I am the one who has to sleep in the master bedroom that is absolutely covered in piles of clothes. I cant see the bed, how could I possibly sleep in this hurricane-disaster-site space?
I am utterly exhausted in every way. I am tired of cleaning up everyone else's messes and barely having time to take care of my own needs. Example: It has been four days since I last took a shower. At this point I would rather stand outside in the pouring rain, rather than waste the time and energy it would take to create a warm bath.


Krissy said...

Oh my dear, dear friend. I do not know what to say...but I certainly couldn't read this blogpost and not comment.

I am so sorry things are so hard. I am at a loss...

Consider yourself prayed for-and I will pray for Mike's heart to soften toward you, along with encouragement for both of you to keep putting in the difficult work to make your marriage better.

Would you consider printing this out and telling Mike that this is how you really feel? Jay has had to read some letters from me that broke both of our hearts because I am not good at expressing myself in the moment...

Continue to lean on your Heavenly Father, Nicole. You are loved!

Vanessa said...

*hugs* I'm sorry Nicole :(

Nicole said...

Thanks girls. Krissy, this was last week, which seems like forever ago. We DID talk about it and I tried to tell him how upset I was... he is just terrible at acknowledging my feelings. I think the raging pregnancy hormones also complicate things.

Lisa said...

Did Mike ever read this post?