Anniversary of a loss.

It's been a little over two years since my first miscarriage. I have not forgotten, but the pain and heartache is considerably less than it was in 2007 and 2008.

I remember feeling a whole lot of anger and bitterness at first. Now, it is just sadness, and thankfulness for what I do have.

On the anniversary date, I was kind of down, but didnt realize exactly why until almost a full week later. I think that is because, although I never will forget that day, I think of my losses as more of a season than a specific day: Spring for 1, Summer (Father's Day) for 2, and Christmastime for 3.

When I visited Maryland last weekend, I learned that a childhood friend had recently suffered through a miscarriage. It was her first pregnancy. It seems like she has a lot of support, and I am grateful that she does, because I remember feeling so very alone. She seemed to be dealing very well, especially since the whole pregnancy was a surprise in the first place. I'm glad I could talk with her about it, and that she opened up to me and was willing to share her story.

I am still working on writing my miscarrige book. The words come slowly, in little entires or essays here and there. I hope that one day I can make something beautiful and cohesive out of all these thoughts and prayers.

Sorry Ive been MIA. Busy busy busy with the kids.

We went to Maryland, to see my family for the weekend. Aliah's first road trip - I had almost forgotten what it was like to travel with an infant. We had to stop about every hour for something or other. Not so fun.

It was a subdued trip, without my brother ("A") or my dad's side of the family around. And it was especially exhausting for me: between feeding Aliah, coping with her fussiness (she really hated being in her carseat for six hours, poor girl!), and dealing with Hannah's potty accidents - with all of us sleeping together in one room - I got very little sleep.

Needless to say, Hannah is not ready for overnight potty training yet. I had to wash all of her clothes TWICE, and we were only there for 2 nights! Yuck. Sometimes she will flat-out refuse to pee in the toilet. I dont know what to do with her! That girl is really stubborn. She only does things if and when she wants to.
My mom kept telling me things like "Be encouraging, don't get mad at her; she can't help it." But Hannah has been out of diapers for a year and a half! It's not like she can't use the potty. She just doesn't think it is important. She doesn't even seem to care if her pants get wet! Now it's just turned into a power struggle, and I really hate it.

It doesn't help matters that Mike scheduled himself to work a whole bunch of extra overtime this month. He is working 26 days in March. 26 days x 12 hours = a big paycheck, but it isnt worth it if you never get to spend time with your family. Maybe this weekend we'll get some time together - it's the one weekend in this whole rotation that Mike has off from work!

In other news, the girls are getting baptised on Sunday!

And now I need to fall in bed and go to sleep before Aliah gets hungry again. The rest of my laundry might not be washed or folded, but at least we all have clean sheets tonight.

One year ago, I found hope renewed.

Exactly one year ago, I was down on my knees, in front of our whole church congregation, praying for an answer to the question "Will we ever have more children?"
(Click here to read about March 16, 2008.)
I was trying hard to make peace with the the fact that I had just suffered through 3 heartwrenching pregnancy losses in less than 12 months. I was this close to giving up on becoming pregnant again (I had already scheduled meetings with a caseworker and social services, about foster care and adoption possibilities).
I asked God to show me what to do next, and He did! I got pregnant a few weeks later. In April, I took a positive pregnancy test... and eight months after that, Aliah was born. Hannah gave me Hope, and with Aliah, I now have Grace (see why they have these middles names?).

It is so neat to be able to look back and see how God has been working these, and other, miracles in my life. It proves to me that all things work together for good, according to His purposes. And I am so very thankful for our precious baby girl!!!

Eternal Questions from a Four Year Old

Lunchtime today: Our planned picnic was rained out, so Hannah opted to eat her picnic lunch in the car. I said ok, since I had to sit somewhere and feed Aliah, and I figured that was a good enough place to keep Hannah contained and dry for about 30 minutes.

Hannah suddenly turned to me and asked "Mommy? When can I go live with Jesus?"
I was a little surprised by this question. "You mean, in heaven?"
"Yes. When can I go to heaven?"
"Well sweetie, we can only go to heaven if we believe in him, and if we are dead."
"Well, when will I die?"
"I'd rather not think about that. Probably not for a very long time."
"Maybe in fifteen years! That's a long time! Or maybe even 11 or 12 years." (I think 11 has recently become her favorite number.)
"Maybe", I said, trying to eat my sandwich.
Then Hannah said "Grandma Pete died and went to heaven."
"That's right Hannah, she did."
"And it was sad."
"It was sad, and I would be very sad if you died."
"I would be really sad if you died too, Mommy. And it would be really really sad if Daddy or Aliah died."
I tried to explain that heaven is actually a very happy place, and steer the conversation back to happy things, but then she went quiet. And that was the end of it.

Well, that was our lunchtime conversation. What was yours?

Beautiful weather. Fun times.

Yesterday it was really beautiful outside. We ate a picnic lunch in the backyard, read a pile of books outside on the swing, and Hannah decorated our front porch with chalk (too bad I didnt get a picture of that!) We left all the windows open last night... and when we woke up this morning, it was 55 degrees inside the house. It felt SO COLD!

Yesterday we climbed into the attic, Hannah and I, to unearth her spring and summer clothes. But first I made her put away everything that said 3t on it. This was not a very popular idea, and I was labelled "mean mom" because of it! Hannah threw a fit about putting away certain items, especially those that were purple and/or pink. The fact that we have about 87 new dresses sized 4-5t pacified her somewhat. And she had fun trying on some bigger shoes (I have GOT to get rid of those little sparkly princess shoes when she's not looking!). Unfortunately she refused to try on any of the clothes (except for a yellow "I Love Nemo" tank top), so I have no idea whick, if any, of the shorts or pants will actually fit her.

A happy moment - Aliah slept for six hours straight last night! Too bad for me, I was nervous that she'd wake up any second, so it took me a long time to relax and go to sleep. I slept about four hours. Oh well.

Here are my two favorite girls - check out Aliah's chubby cheeks!

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Funny quote from Hannah: She just said "Aliah, stop that! Crying will not make you happy!" Hahaha!

Nice weather

The weather is BEAUTIFUL today!!!
I made Hannah run around outside for most of the afternoon.

Today I got portraits taken of both girls! It was fun! We did some individual shots and some together ones. The ones of just Aliah were not so good. I guess she didn't want to smile for strangers, only for me.

This week, I have to make a decision about leading the MOPS group for next school year. I have been praying and thinking about it a lot and Im still not sure what I should do...

One of my MOPS friends had a new baby boy on Wednesday! (She has also suffered through two miscarriages.) Praise God for a healthy baby! :)

Snow Day!

Hannah and I had a lot of fun running around in the snow this morning. We made a snowman family... but it's melted now :(

Aliah's check-up had to be rescheduled for tomorrow. We are guessing that she weighs just over 12 lbs. What's your guess?