Saying "goodbye" is so hard

This week, I have been an emotional wreck. We were told that the baby won't be staying with us after all. The judge ordered baby to be reunified with family members. We have to give the baby back. It's going to be one of the hardest things I ever have to do. It was hard enough at 4 months old.... But to stay with us another 8-10 months, then do it all over again? It is going to be heartbreaking. It is going to crush the spirit of my oldest child. It might very well put us in counseling. I will question my role as a foster parent. What good have I done? What is the purpose of all this heartache and broken-ness?

Because we don't have an exact timeline, because the transition is supposed to be "gradual", this means it's probably going to be a drawn-out, confusing, emotionally draining process. Not just for me or my family, that goes for everyone involved. The other family will probably be an emotional mess too. Maybe in a good way. Maybe they will feel overwhelmed by their new responsibilities. Maybe they will be overwhelmed with love, and have a little bit of empathy for me, now that the tables are turned. Whenever and however this case ends, it will definitely mean a lot of waiting and wondering and uncertainty in the meantime.

As much as I don't want to say goodbye to this little person that is part of our family, I realize that it is best for the baby to be with relatives, if that is possible. I understand that they need to have a chance at raising the baby, that it is their right to do so. I know they love this baby a whole lot.

Even though I know these things to be true, it is still a crushing blow for our family. Is it fair? Is it really in the best interest of the child to take her away from the only stable home she's ever known?! Who was there for all the sleepless nights? Who was there for all the milestones, first roll over, first foods, first crawl, first word, first birthday, first steps? ME! But who will the baby remember? Not me!! Not us! And that kills me inside. I know that it is our job as foster parent to let them grow and then let them go. I keep telling my kids that fostering means "for a little while". And even if you are lead to believe adoption is the end goal, it doesn't mean that's how it really ends.

However, there is hope. God has promised that his plans are better than ours (think Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 16:9, and Isaiah 55:8). If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it would be that the dreams and plans I have for myself aren't necessarily what God has in mind for me and my life. And sadness aside, I know that there is some good news on the horizon... I'm just not authorized to share it with you quite yet.

In the meantime, if you call or email or leave me a message and I don't answer, it's not because I don't want to talk to you. It's because I can't talk for very long without getting tears in my eyes. Right now it's hard to visualize what our daily lives will be like in a few weeks or a few months. I have to learn how to un-attach myself from this little person who is, for all intents and purposes, my baby! I'm trying to hold it together, moment by moment, and get through the day with all of my children, without upsetting them too much. (Of course the children don't know all the plans, logistics and legal details, and they shouldn't.)

So for now, I am trying to enjoy these days as much as I can, not clutter them too much with commitments, and I am not sharing them very often with others. I hope that makes sense. Maybe next month or next year, my friends will understand and forgive me :)

waiting for a placement

Today my heart is aching for orphans.

My facebook status says "This morning I am just overwhelmed by the thought of the number of children who don't have a loving, stable parent to take care of them or a safe place to live. Today I am praying for orphans, that God would not leave them fatherless, but place them in a family."

I look at the photo-listings on www.adoptuskids.org and my heart aches, and my eyes fill up with tears at all the atrocities, trauma, abuse and neglect these children must have faced just to get to the point of being in-limbo and listed as wards of the state.  (The listings at www.reesesrainbow.org are even more heart-wrenching for me, and I have trouble reading them/looking at them.)

Last night at bedtime we were praying for friends who are traveling internationally to visit their adopted child. We are praying hard that the necessary documents,visas and paperwork will be completed in the next 2 weeks so that they can all be home for Christmas. As I was praying for them, and orphans in general, Hannah piped in "And let one of them be adopted into our home, Jesus." I love her giving, generous spirit. 

We have had our foster parent license for almost 6 months but haven't gotten a single placement. This leaves us wondering where to go from here. We cannot afford an international adoption, and would rather adopt locally (or as locally as possible) from the foster care system. I don't know what this will look like for our family, but I am continuing to pray that God will bring the right 2 children to us at the right time. Mike is convinced that we should immediately pluck 2 siblings from foster care - but I am not so sure that's how it will be. Maybe it will be 2 different children who don't have any other siblings. Maybe they'll look somewhat like us. Maybe they won't. I'm trying not to expect anything specific. 

So last night I was feeling kind of discouraged, because we haven't been matched with anyone. I know our social worker is a very busy person and that she puts her heart into her work. I know she is not lazy or idle or overlooking us... but I don't know why we haven't gotten any placements.

This morning I realized that it was just over a year ago when we were shut-out from our original MAPP classes. And God dismissed that hurdle, and got us licensed faster than we would have originally. I can only guess that this waiting period is meant to teach me patience.

So for now, I will trust in Him, and wait on His timing (impatiently). 

Adoption: Be a Prayer Warrior

Adoption is something that I feel strongly about. It's a cause very dear to my heart. Although we are not in a position to adopt right now, I often pray for those around the world who are orphans, or living in sad/abusive situations and need a loving home. Last month I found a very worthy organization who is fighting that battle and advocating for children with disabilities or medical conditions, children who are harder to place. Some of them have Downs syndrome, some have mild conditions that would easily be corrected with medication or surgery that is not available in their country, and some do not have a clear diagnosis. But all of them are parentless and destined to life in an institution, unless someone steps in to help them. Go to http://reecesrainbow.org/ to learn more about their ministry and specific ways that you can help. You can also click here to become a prayer warrior for a very special girl or boy who needs a home and a family. It's completely free; all it takes is a donation of your time. Maybe you will be the difference that child needs, in order to gain a better quality of life.

Praying for Hannah

Today I am praying for Hannah. She is not happy right now. We thought that sending her to public school for first grade would help her social skills, bring her out of her shy little shell, help her learn from someone other than her mother. And it has.... but at a cost. She has a nasty attitude about everything. She fights and argues with me every chance she gets. She's overly tired and cranky. She puts on her best face at school, then comes home and acts horribly disobedient, defiant, and downright disrespectful. My sweet sweet girl morphs into a Jekyll/Hyde monster.

It breaks my heart to see her this way. I met with her teacher on Friday to talk about her behavior, and Mrs R was genuinely shocked (as in, mouth-hanging-open shocked) to hear how Hannah's been acting at home. She doesn't display any negative behavior at school. We talked about challenging her a little more during class and engaging her with more hands-on activities. All of that is fine and good, and Mrs R is very willing to work with us. She wants the best for Hannah too. But to sum it up, the current school environment is not ideal. Nevertheless I feel that God is telling me to "wait" and "be patient." If you know me, you know I am NOT a patient person. We'll wait and see for another month. I am also considering a different local school, some charter schools, and homeschooling. This whole school decision is weighing heavily on me. I've been praying about it quite often and still don't know the right thing to do.

Life can be exhausting. Thank you God for sustaining me through the tiring times.

39 weeks pregnant. Appointment update & a picture.

Here I am, at 38.5 weeks pregnant:




My in-laws left yesterday. Sad to see them go (Hannah was especially sad!), but it's nice to have the house back to ourselves. They are planning to visit again at the end of January, when baby is 3 or 4 weeks old.

All the presents are wrapped, all the Christmas cards are sent, all our rooms are clean (though baby's room still needs to be reorganized a little more, I keep finding random accessories and supplies and things), and all of December's bills are paid. We have enough groceries in the house to last about a month. Everything is decorated for Christmas. And I have about 20 dozen Christmas cookies sitting around the house, begging to be eaten, thanks to MIL.

I think my next project will be to finish my pregnancy scrapbook. So far, I've gotten up to Month 4. Mike found some more baby-themed stickers in the attic yesterday (though I have no idea how they got up there!), so maybe I can work on it later tonight, whenever I'm not sleeping. You would not believe how many times I wake up during the night. It's pretty ridiculous.


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I was disappointed at my doctor's visit yesterday. Mike and Hannah came along, and it was an unusually long wait. Mike actually fell asleep in the waiting room!
So, we had to wait over 30 minutes, which NEVER happens at this office (for my last few appts, Ive been completely checked out and done within 30 mins!). Hannah got pretty restless, though she didn't complain...

They weighed me, checked my bp, then we waited some more in the exam room.
My bp was much higher than usual, barely within normal range, and I have gained six pounds in the last seven days. That, combined with the swelling in my hands and feet, was a huge red flag to me that said PRE-ECLAMPSIA!
But the midwife "was not concerned" (she is a new midwife, recently hired, and my first impression of her was not incredibly favorable), and only said that we would "keep an eye on it." She did not even feel it was necessary to do a urine check (why not?!).

The whole thing was very quick and routine:
Measured fundus: check.
Baby moving? Yes.
Head Down? Yes.
Hear the heartbeat? Yes. (it was 140)
"Ok then, everything is fine."


I asked a couple questions, but the whole thing seemed absolutely pointless. I mean, I could have called the office and TOLD them all that info, instead of spending an hour driving back and forth.

Of course I'll go to the hospital if anything changes, obviously I know the warning signs. And Mike can check my bp at home, so we'll know if it gets worse. But still, I was really disappointed that she wasn't more proactive about it. Plus I am at higher risk since I had pre-eclampsia in the past. Did she not notice that? Did she really not think there was a problem? I pointed it out and she just said that she "wasn't concerned."

FRUSTRATING!

Then, because Baby is not completely dropped and engaged yet, she implied that I might last all the way to 42 weeks! (Although, she did not even bother to check my cervix.) I don't know if I can stand it, if I have to wait until January to have this baby! It just seems soooo long!

Then again, my mom said "You never know, you could still have the baby tomorrow!"

So, we continue to wait and see.
I am asking God for lots of patience right now.