Thursday, January 8, 2015

Saying "goodbye" is so hard

This week, I have been an emotional wreck. We were told that the baby won't be staying with us after all. The judge ordered baby to be reunified with family members. We have to give the baby back. It's going to be one of the hardest things I ever have to do. It was hard enough at 4 months old.... But to stay with us another 8-10 months, then do it all over again? It is going to be heartbreaking. It is going to crush the spirit of my oldest child. It might very well put us in counseling. I will question my role as a foster parent. What good have I done? What is the purpose of all this heartache and broken-ness?

Because we don't have an exact timeline, because the transition is supposed to be "gradual", this means it's probably going to be a drawn-out, confusing, emotionally draining process. Not just for me or my family, that goes for everyone involved. The other family will probably be an emotional mess too. Maybe in a good way. Maybe they will feel overwhelmed by their new responsibilities. Maybe they will be overwhelmed with love, and have a little bit of empathy for me, now that the tables are turned. Whenever and however this case ends, it will definitely mean a lot of waiting and wondering and uncertainty in the meantime.

As much as I don't want to say goodbye to this little person that is part of our family, I realize that it is best for the baby to be with relatives, if that is possible. I understand that they need to have a chance at raising the baby, that it is their right to do so. I know they love this baby a whole lot.

Even though I know these things to be true, it is still a crushing blow for our family. Is it fair? Is it really in the best interest of the child to take her away from the only stable home she's ever known?! Who was there for all the sleepless nights? Who was there for all the milestones, first roll over, first foods, first crawl, first word, first birthday, first steps? ME! But who will the baby remember? Not me!! Not us! And that kills me inside. I know that it is our job as foster parent to let them grow and then let them go. I keep telling my kids that fostering means "for a little while". And even if you are lead to believe adoption is the end goal, it doesn't mean that's how it really ends.

However, there is hope. God has promised that his plans are better than ours (think Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 16:9, and Isaiah 55:8). If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it would be that the dreams and plans I have for myself aren't necessarily what God has in mind for me and my life. And sadness aside, I know that there is some good news on the horizon... I'm just not authorized to share it with you quite yet.

In the meantime, if you call or email or leave me a message and I don't answer, it's not because I don't want to talk to you. It's because I can't talk for very long without getting tears in my eyes. Right now it's hard to visualize what our daily lives will be like in a few weeks or a few months. I have to learn how to un-attach myself from this little person who is, for all intents and purposes, my baby! I'm trying to hold it together, moment by moment, and get through the day with all of my children, without upsetting them too much. (Of course the children don't know all the plans, logistics and legal details, and they shouldn't.)

So for now, I am trying to enjoy these days as much as I can, not clutter them too much with commitments, and I am not sharing them very often with others. I hope that makes sense. Maybe next month or next year, my friends will understand and forgive me :)

8 comments:

Penelope said...

I'm so sorry! I've said goodbye many times. It is the hardest thing. Here's a post that might help. http://foster2forever.com/2014/06/foster-child-returning-home.html

Anonymous said...

I've been there. Take this transition time to really help the parents be the best they can be. Make yourself available for help when they need you. I was willing to take phone calls when they had difficult nap times and when they didn't know if the baby needed to see a doctor, or just needed Tylenol. To help un-attach myself and the baby I even offered to do some transportation to increase the frequency of visits. If the transition is done right everybody will be ok...**Hugs** If you develop a supportive relationship with the parents, they might keep you in the babies life after reunification, which is always nice for everybody involved...

Foster Mom - R said...

This is hard, hard stuff. But as the other person said try to develope a supportive relationship because it doesn't have to be goodbye forever. Our 4 returned home after 2 years with us over a 6 month transition. Know you aren't aline and that other Mamas get it even if those in your life don't.

~Sandy said...

I'm sorry :( I've been there too. I've fostered 32 kids so far and I have had to say goodbye to almost every one of them. I had two failed/almost adopted little ones out of the 32 kids we've had. It hurts...bad. I had my little girl for 12 months and thought for sure she was ours (DFCS led us to believe that and we did all the paper work to adopt her) but she went to family at the 12 month mark. Then I had a little boy for 23 months and had started all the paper work for his adoption and over night his plan went from TPR to reunite. He went home at age 2 and just came back in care at age 4. My heart hurts for you tonight. I'll be praying for your family. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

So, so sorry for what you are going through. We have a two year old girl who has been with us since August and even thinking about her going home takes my breath away. Please keep us up to date on your journey. I will keep you in my prayers. Love you just because of what you do.

Jessica Snyder said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your family struggle of having to say goodbye!!! We haven't had to say goodbye yet, however, I am not sure how I would handle it. I have though had to say goodbye to our birth daughter when she went to he with the Lord, ans earned her Angel wings all to soon My heart is heavy, for you ans your family, please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers!!!!

Rachel Lewis said...

We are in the countdown to reunification with our foster son. We'll have had him for a year by the time he goes home. I know that everything you are saying will be me soon. Hugs and prayers for your family.

Nicole said...

Thank you. I am developing a good relationship with the bio family and we are hoping to stay in touch after reunification.