Doubts...

First of all, I just want to say how grateful I am for friends that pray for me and think of me daily, and share their hearts and their lives with me, so that I can pray for them too. You have no idea how much I appreciate that kind of friendship.

So in my last post I wrote that I had some doubts. I guess my instinct was correct, because yesterday I learned that we were not, in fact, accepted into the foster parent classes that begin on Saturday. The class "was full. There is no space for you."

At hearing this news, I was initially crushed. Disappointed. Upset. Frustrated (this is the second time we haven't been "accepted" by Durham County, for goodness sakes!). I mean, we had worked hard to sell our house and buy this new bigger house, to make room for more children, to clear our schedules for the next six weekends in a row, to line up babysitters, and to make sure we did everything right so that we could take the foster parent classes this month. We did do everything right, but obviously God has different plans than the ones I had in mind. So I let myself cry a little for this lost dream.

Then after the shock wore off, my first reaction was to call a few different local agencies, to get us into another class soon. When I want something, I don't give up on it easily.  So there are 2 "orientation" classes we'll go to in the next month. (I didn't realize that there are options, that you don't HAVE to work with your county's DSS agency. News to me.)

To reiterate: I'm not giving up. I'm giving IN!
Giving in to whatever God has planned for me.
I KNOW God still has good plans for me!!

Because this is NOT about what -I- want. My goals need to be lined up with what God's plans are for myself and my family. Whether or not that means foster care or adopting, or neither, I need to be ok with what happens. Because none of it is in my control.

 Last night, I laid awake with a sick child at 2am, thoughts jumping around in my head, unable to sleep. I wanted to hear some kind of wisdom from the Bible, but I wasn't focused enough to read it myself and come up with some sort of applicable insight. So I searched through sermon archives and found a message that JD Greear preached five years ago, in September 2007. It is so applicable to me (and to many other people also, I'm sure). The first point he made was that everyone has doubts. I know that's kind of obvious, but it was what I needed to hear in the moment. Quote: "EVery person has doubts. It's part of what makes us human. We think, therefore we doubt God." It goes on to explain 4 common areas of doubt, and how we can overcome them. If you're interested, find the sermon here.

So, what does this mean, and where do I go from here? Well, today I was praying along with Proverbs 3:5-6. It's one of the very first Bible verses I memorized as a young child: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not upon your own understanding; but in all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." That's what I'm praying, that I will not give in to doubt, but put my trust completely in Him.