Halfway home from church today, I noticed the car in front of me had a few bumper stickers on it. There was a small sticker that had an immeasurable impact. It had the image of a baby's profile, and it said something like "Abortion stops my heart from beating."
I saw the image, read those words, and it triggered something in me. The blood drained from my face. I went into a kind of cold shock. I was fighting back tears the rest of the way home. I bit my lip so hard (so that the kids wouldn't hear me crying or ask any questions; I couldn't have handled that) that I tasted blood.
You've probably seen a similar sticker on someone's vehicle, and you're probably wondering: Why did a seemingly common bumper sticker affect me in this way? Because it was personal. A little more than two years ago, someone close to me made the choice to abort a baby. It was a selfish choice, but a costly one, and one that was made of her own free will. She didn't share this with me until almost a year later. I suspect that she was sad and ashamed, but she never expressed that to me. She acted as if pregnancy was a huge, life-changing inconvenience (I agree, it can be). She told me she felt that it was her only option.
The truth is, abortion is never the only option. That baby could have been adopted. He or she would have lived and thrived if given the chance at life. If I had known the circumstances, I would have lovingly and gladly taken the baby and raised it as my own (would have been a few months older than Noah.) But prenatal children are not able to make choices for themselves. They are at the mercy of God and their parent(s). They can feel, they can see and hear, touch, taste, and smell, but they cannot chose to be carried to term. They can't object when someone chooses to abruptly end their own life.
It makes me so very sad, that there are so many babies who are unable to take their first breath, because someone made the choice to end their life prematurely.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
exhausted.
The last week has been completely physically and emotionally draining.
This week is VBS at our church, so that is also exhausting.
Three and a half hours with 12 three-year-olds would make anyone tired.
At least all the boxes are opened, and we know where almost everything is.
Mike completely lost his temper with me tonight. I don't know what set him off, but I hate when he gets so angry. Now his bff is spending the rest of the evening with us, so they'll most likely ignore me. Today, I kind of prefer it that way, being alone... although Mike gets faaaar more down time than I do.
Am I resentful, that I so rarely get time away from the kids? probably so.
I just wish he'd recognize that instead of me begging to do something on my own.
This week is VBS at our church, so that is also exhausting.
Three and a half hours with 12 three-year-olds would make anyone tired.
At least all the boxes are opened, and we know where almost everything is.
Mike completely lost his temper with me tonight. I don't know what set him off, but I hate when he gets so angry. Now his bff is spending the rest of the evening with us, so they'll most likely ignore me. Today, I kind of prefer it that way, being alone... although Mike gets faaaar more down time than I do.
Am I resentful, that I so rarely get time away from the kids? probably so.
I just wish he'd recognize that instead of me begging to do something on my own.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Where's Mom?
Yesterday, my mother went missing.
She was driving from her home to ours.
She left Maryland around 1:30pm... and nobody heard from her the rest of the day.
All afternoon and evening, the girls were waiting for her, so excited to see their Yoma, hyper, jumping all around, asking me hundreds of times when she'd get here. They couldn't wait to play with my mom.
It usually takes five hours to make the drive. She should have arrived around 6:30pm.
At 8:30 I called my dad to let him know she wasn't here yet. He hadn't heard from her either.
We called her, texted her, left messages. Her phone would ring 6 times then go to voicemail.
Her phone was on, it was fully charged, and she had a full tank of gas when she left home.
What happened? Where could she be?!?
Mom always calls or texts me when she gets to North Carolina, or when she is about an hour away. I had the feeling that she hadn't gotten that far, that she was somewhere in Virginia. By 10pm I was imagining her laying in a ditch somewhere. At 10:30pm I called her cell phone one more time. No answer, just voicemail. I tried my best not to worry, and had some quiet Bible-reading time.
We tried thinking of ways to track Mom. Her cell phone is too old and outdated to track by GPS.
I suggested looking at cell phone records to see if she'd made any outgoing calls today after 1:30pm. She hadn't. I asked dad to check their bank record to see if any transactions had shown up. The account showed that she'd stopped at a grocery store on her way out of town, about 10 minutes south of my parents house. Nothing else.
Mike suggested going for a drive to look for her, but I vetoed the idea. It was too dark and too late. There was no way one of us would be able to cover 250 miles of highway single-handedly.
Dad asked a police friend for advice. The friend told him to start calling each state police barracks location between southern Maryland and Raleigh. I said "OK Dad, where do we start? Give me a list, I'll make some calls." He said no, he would do it. Again I said "I'll help! Tell me what I can do" but he wouldn't let me. He felt it was his responsibility to find her. I reluctantly went to bed and fell asleep a little after midnight. Meanwhile, Dad continued calling police stations.
At 1am Dad called again. I don't remember hearing the phone ring, or picking it up, all I know is that I heard his voice on the other end: "Well, I found her. She is safe." I was confused, disoriented from sleep. Where is she, Dad? How did you find her? "She's safe all right... locked up. She's in jail."
My mind was still fuzzy. What?!?
I asked a string of questions, to which I got no answer.
How did you find out? Do you know where she is?
Where is she? What happened???
"South Hill, Virginia. That's where she is.... South Hills. She didn't quite make it to North Carolina, but she almost did. She's staying in jail overnight. I don't know any other details." I told him to get some sleep. Then I tossed and turned all night.
I slept horribly. I got out of bed at 5am and have been trying to distract my mind with other things, but it hasn't been working very well. Dad said something about trying to "bail her out" later today. I still have absolutely no idea what happened. Speeding tickets, moving violation, previous record? Traffic stop gone wrong? Drinking and driving? Reckless endangerment?
Don't you get to make a phone call when you are arrested?
Why wasn't anyone contacted?!?
She was driving from her home to ours.
She left Maryland around 1:30pm... and nobody heard from her the rest of the day.
All afternoon and evening, the girls were waiting for her, so excited to see their Yoma, hyper, jumping all around, asking me hundreds of times when she'd get here. They couldn't wait to play with my mom.
It usually takes five hours to make the drive. She should have arrived around 6:30pm.
At 8:30 I called my dad to let him know she wasn't here yet. He hadn't heard from her either.
We called her, texted her, left messages. Her phone would ring 6 times then go to voicemail.
Her phone was on, it was fully charged, and she had a full tank of gas when she left home.
What happened? Where could she be?!?
Mom always calls or texts me when she gets to North Carolina, or when she is about an hour away. I had the feeling that she hadn't gotten that far, that she was somewhere in Virginia. By 10pm I was imagining her laying in a ditch somewhere. At 10:30pm I called her cell phone one more time. No answer, just voicemail. I tried my best not to worry, and had some quiet Bible-reading time.
We tried thinking of ways to track Mom. Her cell phone is too old and outdated to track by GPS.
I suggested looking at cell phone records to see if she'd made any outgoing calls today after 1:30pm. She hadn't. I asked dad to check their bank record to see if any transactions had shown up. The account showed that she'd stopped at a grocery store on her way out of town, about 10 minutes south of my parents house. Nothing else.
Mike suggested going for a drive to look for her, but I vetoed the idea. It was too dark and too late. There was no way one of us would be able to cover 250 miles of highway single-handedly.
Dad asked a police friend for advice. The friend told him to start calling each state police barracks location between southern Maryland and Raleigh. I said "OK Dad, where do we start? Give me a list, I'll make some calls." He said no, he would do it. Again I said "I'll help! Tell me what I can do" but he wouldn't let me. He felt it was his responsibility to find her. I reluctantly went to bed and fell asleep a little after midnight. Meanwhile, Dad continued calling police stations.
At 1am Dad called again. I don't remember hearing the phone ring, or picking it up, all I know is that I heard his voice on the other end: "Well, I found her. She is safe." I was confused, disoriented from sleep. Where is she, Dad? How did you find her? "She's safe all right... locked up. She's in jail."
My mind was still fuzzy. What?!?
I asked a string of questions, to which I got no answer.
How did you find out? Do you know where she is?
Where is she? What happened???
"South Hill, Virginia. That's where she is.... South Hills. She didn't quite make it to North Carolina, but she almost did. She's staying in jail overnight. I don't know any other details." I told him to get some sleep. Then I tossed and turned all night.
I slept horribly. I got out of bed at 5am and have been trying to distract my mind with other things, but it hasn't been working very well. Dad said something about trying to "bail her out" later today. I still have absolutely no idea what happened. Speeding tickets, moving violation, previous record? Traffic stop gone wrong? Drinking and driving? Reckless endangerment?
Don't you get to make a phone call when you are arrested?
Why wasn't anyone contacted?!?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Amber's Day, and more about adoption.
Today is known to me as "Amber's Day". Three years ago, when Amber was just four months old, she was taken from this world and went to live in heaven.
Her mom and dad are such strong people of faith, and they have taught me so much in the past three years. Amber also has two sisters here on earth, who will one day see her in heaven, the place of no more tears. Her mom recently told me that through the loss of Amber, she has learned the difference between being "happy" and being "joyful." She said that days like this, when she remembers Amber and the life she had, are not always necessarily happy, but that God has given her an almost supernatural peace and a joy in knowing that Amber is with Jesus in heaven, which is a far better place to live. I'm so glad that I could spend time with my dear friend today, on Amber's Day. I hope that she is lifted up by those who know the grief she's beared, and that she realizes how much encouragement she brings to me personally.
____________________________________________________________________
Last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about all the different children out there without a mom and dad, without a safe, permanent place to live. Then I started thinking about all the other people related to orphans/foster kids: the agencies and caseworkers and legal guardians and lawyers and other caretakers involved. That's a whole lot of orchestrating, a lot of details and logistics to work out... and a lot of people that could be influenced and encouraged by the Gospel.
Suddenly, I realized that *I* don't have to worry about what my role will be, what I should say or do. *I* don't have to scroll through lists of names and faces, wondering if this or that child is meant to be part of our family. I don't have to, because God's got it all under control. HE is calling me (us) to foster or adopt, HE has put this burden on my heart, and HE will work it out for good. I shouldn't be worried or anxious. I don't have to stay up late at night worrying about how I can't adopt thousands of kids, of course I can't do that. But it does comfort me to know that HE has each of them in the palm of his hand.
This video is a powerful testimony of how God is using one family to reach people in Durham County through foster care and adoption: http://vimeo.com/25585040
If you are reading my blog, especially if you've stumbled upon it recently, please leave a response. It is kind of therapeutic for me to write these things down, but it is also nice to know that I'm not talking to myself all the time. It would be really nice to hear from you.
Her mom and dad are such strong people of faith, and they have taught me so much in the past three years. Amber also has two sisters here on earth, who will one day see her in heaven, the place of no more tears. Her mom recently told me that through the loss of Amber, she has learned the difference between being "happy" and being "joyful." She said that days like this, when she remembers Amber and the life she had, are not always necessarily happy, but that God has given her an almost supernatural peace and a joy in knowing that Amber is with Jesus in heaven, which is a far better place to live. I'm so glad that I could spend time with my dear friend today, on Amber's Day. I hope that she is lifted up by those who know the grief she's beared, and that she realizes how much encouragement she brings to me personally.
____________________________________________________________________
Last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about all the different children out there without a mom and dad, without a safe, permanent place to live. Then I started thinking about all the other people related to orphans/foster kids: the agencies and caseworkers and legal guardians and lawyers and other caretakers involved. That's a whole lot of orchestrating, a lot of details and logistics to work out... and a lot of people that could be influenced and encouraged by the Gospel.
Suddenly, I realized that *I* don't have to worry about what my role will be, what I should say or do. *I* don't have to scroll through lists of names and faces, wondering if this or that child is meant to be part of our family. I don't have to, because God's got it all under control. HE is calling me (us) to foster or adopt, HE has put this burden on my heart, and HE will work it out for good. I shouldn't be worried or anxious. I don't have to stay up late at night worrying about how I can't adopt thousands of kids, of course I can't do that. But it does comfort me to know that HE has each of them in the palm of his hand.
This video is a powerful testimony of how God is using one family to reach people in Durham County through foster care and adoption: http://vimeo.com/25585040
If you are reading my blog, especially if you've stumbled upon it recently, please leave a response. It is kind of therapeutic for me to write these things down, but it is also nice to know that I'm not talking to myself all the time. It would be really nice to hear from you.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Adoption on my heart
For a very long time, I have been praying and hoping with all my heart that we could adopt a child.
In the last year, I have had vivid dreams and been encouraged that it will happen: we will be able to adopt a child. In fact, this fall, Mike and I will be taking foster/adoption classes.
This weekend I was feeling a huge burden on my heart for the orphans of the world. I spent some time praying for them. Hannah caught me looking at reecesrainbow.org. Each time she saw a picture of another orphaned child, she would ask "Mom, can we get that one? And that one? Can we adopt him? Or her? What about this one?" After 90 seconds of this I had to shut down the computer, because she was so insistent, so excited, and it was really difficult for me to explain to her that it's not nearly so easy. Bureaucracy, government, and red tape get in the way.
I often go to adoptuskids.org and scroll through the stories and pictures there.
Today I found this one:
I have seen this picture several times before, read the profile, looked at this sweet face. But today something in my heart asked "Is this the one?" I have no idea if we would be able to parent someone with vast medical, physical and emotional needs. I don't know if we are the right family for him. But I do know that he, and thousands of other children, need a forever home.
I read a statistic last month that said something like "If some-percentage of all Christian families adopted just one child, there would be no more orphans." I wish I could find a reference for that. I really wish more people would consider adoption.
On further study, here's an interesting article: http://www.lighted-path.net/article2_DarkestClouds.html
In the last year, I have had vivid dreams and been encouraged that it will happen: we will be able to adopt a child. In fact, this fall, Mike and I will be taking foster/adoption classes.
This weekend I was feeling a huge burden on my heart for the orphans of the world. I spent some time praying for them. Hannah caught me looking at reecesrainbow.org. Each time she saw a picture of another orphaned child, she would ask "Mom, can we get that one? And that one? Can we adopt him? Or her? What about this one?" After 90 seconds of this I had to shut down the computer, because she was so insistent, so excited, and it was really difficult for me to explain to her that it's not nearly so easy. Bureaucracy, government, and red tape get in the way.
I often go to adoptuskids.org and scroll through the stories and pictures there.
Today I found this one:
I read a statistic last month that said something like "If some-percentage of all Christian families adopted just one child, there would be no more orphans." I wish I could find a reference for that. I really wish more people would consider adoption.
On further study, here's an interesting article: http://www.lighted-path.net/article2_DarkestClouds.html
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