This is the speech I am giving to all of my Durham MOPS friends tomorrow morning.
Tell me what you think. Is it too much?
SMALL MIRACLES:
Some of the most difficult questions for me to answer are: “How many children do you have?” and “oh, is she your only one?” or “when are you going to have more?” At first these might seem like innocent questions, appropriate for all mothers of preschoolers.
Well, some of you may or may not know that I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me. It’s not something with physical scars, that show on the outside. It’s not an easy subject to talk about. But this morning I am going to tell my story, with the hope that God can use me and my experiences to strengthen and encourage you. And please excuse me if I get emotional and start to cry!
Last year, in February 2007, the week that my daughter Hannah turned three years old, I discovered I was pregnant again. My husband Mike and I were so excited! We immediately told our parents, and our siblings, Hannah’s aunts and uncles.
But about 3 weeks after that positive pregnancy test, on a Sunday morning in March, I began bleeding heavily.
We were completely devastated.
I never imagined, not even in my worst nightmares, that this could happen to me. I felt so isolated and alone. I didn’t know how to tell family and friends what had taken place – partly because I was in denial for a little while. I just wanted to sit alone in the dark, under the blankets, and mourn.
I thought: Why would this pregnancy be taken away from me, when we wanted it so badly? I got angry. I questioned God’s plans and His purposes. It just wasn’t fair. Why me? Why do bad things like this happen to good people (like me)? Did I do something wrong? Do I deserve this somehow? I wrestled with guilt and fear.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are not easy subjects to bring up, and are not talked about very much. Many women suffer along in silence. But I was surprised to find out how often it happens (about one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, maybe more, since early losses aren’t always reported).
As I began to open up and share my burden, women from my neighborhood, my church, even my own family, admitted that they had suffered private losses too.
I realized that maybe I was not alone after all.
Life moved on that spring, whether I wanted it to or not. Exactly three months after my first loss, I found out that I was pregnant again. But we barely had time to process the news. Just a few days later, my third pregnancy ended at five weeks. My doctor called it a “chemical pregnancy”. It was Father’s Day weekend. How ironic. I felt so sad and bitter, and afraid. I drove home to be with my family in Maryland, to get away for a little while.
The following week, one of my closest friends, Esther, gave birth to her son. She had asked me to be there, to come to the hospital when he was born. I stayed with her all day.
But I was unsure how I would react, if I would be able to be emotionally supportive, Thankfully, I was not jealous. I was not uncomfortable. I was genuinely calm and happy to be there, joyfully supporting my friend and celebrating her new baby.
God gave me the grace and the strength I needed to be there for Esther.
(Her son Ezra is truly a gift from God. During her pregnancy, an ultrasound showed that Ezra had clubbed feet. For months and months we prayed so hard for that little baby, and God answered our prayers. Ezra was born with just one mildly clubbed foot, not two, as the doctors thought.)
At a joyful time, when many of my friends were experiencing the joys of pregnancy and new motherhood, I was experiencing great loss and sadness.
I was so emotionally fragile that summer.
I began to think that Hannah might be my only child.
I started losing hope, and slipping into depression.
Barriers were created between my husband and me.
We had to work hard to keep our marriage on the right track.
But through these trials, God listened, and he was patience and faithful to me, despite how I might have felt towards him. I was amazed at how much comfort He could bring to my grieving soul. He made me stronger; He strengthened my faith. He carried me through, even when I thought I might not be able to go on.
And most amazing of all, He created opportunities to share my story with others, to begin to reach out and comfort and minister to women who had experienced similar losses. I realized that I could be an encouragement to them! And through that outreach effort, I myself began the healing process. I’ve even started writing a book about my experience, hoping that I can help more women by telling my story.
Six months after my second loss, in December 2007, I became pregnant again. We couldn’t wait to announce the happy news to our families when we visited them at Christmastime. But it didn’t quite get that far. The pregnancy ended at six weeks, just two days before Christmas. Again, I was filled with sadness and grief.
Three miscarriages in nine months: How horrible! What was going on with my body?
I just felt so empty and heartbroken. And deep down, I knew that something just wasn’t right.
In January of this year, I visited with a new doctor, who discovered that I have a thyroid problem. He told me that this could be the cause of my infertility and early pregnancy losses. I felt so much relief, that now there was a name and a solution for my problem. There was hope!
Last year was one of the most trying times in my life. My faith was severely tested and my beliefs were shaken. But I know that God does all things for the good of those who love Him. Even when we don’t understand His ways, He can turn the saddest of circumstances into a triumphant, golden opportunity of love and grace. And He has been pushing me out of my comfort zone, stretching me to new heights, and helping me to become more confident in who I am. Even though I am a sinner, and I am still a work in progress.
Now, it is spring again.
I can barely believe it, but it has been over a year since my first miscarriage.
I feel like I have come around in a full circle.
I know that God is not finished with me yet, because He is faithful.
Once again, he has answered my prayers, because I am pregnant again.
God has blessed us with a tiny miracle, that is due to arrive in December. I can’t think of a better Christmas present, or a better way to be a vessel and an example of Jesus’ love.
Please pray with me.
Thank you, dear God, for the many blessings that you have given to each one of us. Thank you for your love, your grace, your mercy and salvation. Thank you for turning our trials into triumphs. And thank you that you are the wonderful Creator and the giver of everlasting life.
Amen.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Birthing center, milestones, and bizzare dreams.
An important milestone: Seven weeks and two days pregnant.
This is days longer than my three previous pregnancies have lasted.
I feel relived and more confident, like I am almost out of the woods.
Last night we took a tour of the birthing center in Chapel Hill. Mike was not excited about it, but I was very interested. It is the only freestanding birth center in North Carolina. It's only a mile from UNC Hospital (where Hannah was born). I'm not the environmentalist, organic, granola-loving type, but I do love the idea of a midwife-attended, naturally progressing labor and birth.
The first-floor birth center is set-up very similarly to a labor & delivery ward, with bigger, more comfortable beds, priavte bathrooms, huge bathtubs, and basic, but less invasive, medical equipment. It's perfectly safe and much more comfortable and homey.
The other alternative is to go to a midwife practice for my prenatal care, but have the delivery at the hospital, assisted by a midwife - which doesn't sound much different, but could be more complicated, or lead to unwanted medical intervention, just because that's how hospitals operate.
The only other determining factor is cost. I know exactly what the birth center costs, but I am unclear how much Blue Cross is wiling to pay on my behalf.
I am also having a hard time estimating how expensive a hospital birth would be. (We had a low-income state-sponsored insurance plan with Hannah, so virtually everything was paid for by the government when she was born. That was nice, but it dosn't help me plan for now!) My OB practice says they "have no idea, we just bill what they tell us to." Yes, of course you do.
Pregnancy always produces bizzare dreams for me.
This week I have been dreaming that we are going to adopt a little boy from Guatemala. It's odd though - in my dream, it's as if this tiny male baby is inseminated into me, and I actually, physically, give birth to him when the pre-ordained time comes for Mike and I to take over as his parents. But when he is born, there is not one baby. but two! Fraternal male twins. They look completely different (the original baby looks obviously Guatemalian, the other boy looks like me), but their personalities are remarkably similar. They never cry; they are so quiet that somtimes I forget to feed or change them.
Obviously, this dream would not happen in real life.
Where does my mind come up with these things?!
This is days longer than my three previous pregnancies have lasted.
I feel relived and more confident, like I am almost out of the woods.
Last night we took a tour of the birthing center in Chapel Hill. Mike was not excited about it, but I was very interested. It is the only freestanding birth center in North Carolina. It's only a mile from UNC Hospital (where Hannah was born). I'm not the environmentalist, organic, granola-loving type, but I do love the idea of a midwife-attended, naturally progressing labor and birth.
The first-floor birth center is set-up very similarly to a labor & delivery ward, with bigger, more comfortable beds, priavte bathrooms, huge bathtubs, and basic, but less invasive, medical equipment. It's perfectly safe and much more comfortable and homey.
The other alternative is to go to a midwife practice for my prenatal care, but have the delivery at the hospital, assisted by a midwife - which doesn't sound much different, but could be more complicated, or lead to unwanted medical intervention, just because that's how hospitals operate.
The only other determining factor is cost. I know exactly what the birth center costs, but I am unclear how much Blue Cross is wiling to pay on my behalf.
I am also having a hard time estimating how expensive a hospital birth would be. (We had a low-income state-sponsored insurance plan with Hannah, so virtually everything was paid for by the government when she was born. That was nice, but it dosn't help me plan for now!) My OB practice says they "have no idea, we just bill what they tell us to." Yes, of course you do.
Pregnancy always produces bizzare dreams for me.
This week I have been dreaming that we are going to adopt a little boy from Guatemala. It's odd though - in my dream, it's as if this tiny male baby is inseminated into me, and I actually, physically, give birth to him when the pre-ordained time comes for Mike and I to take over as his parents. But when he is born, there is not one baby. but two! Fraternal male twins. They look completely different (the original baby looks obviously Guatemalian, the other boy looks like me), but their personalities are remarkably similar. They never cry; they are so quiet that somtimes I forget to feed or change them.
Obviously, this dream would not happen in real life.
Where does my mind come up with these things?!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Doctors visit, primary voting
Woke up at 9:45 this morning. With the awful allergies I've been having, it's making it hard for me to sleep well. I've been going to bed at 1 or 2 am - I just can't sleep!
Needless to say, I was late for my 10am doctor's appointment. I threw on some clothes, grabbed my puirse and a banana, and drove over these.
Had to wait an HOUR to see my PCP! The wait was not cool.
My thyroid levels are steady and normal, so no problems there.
We talked about my medication doseages now that I am pregnant, and agreed that the safest thing for my pregnancy would be to wean me off Zoloft (I've been taking it since September 2007 for depression). Mike is worried that a sudden drop in meds might harm a baby, as well as damage my mental health. I am trying to convince him otherwise. I think he's just concerned for me.
Hannah helped me vote today too. I told her which little bubbles to fill in. On one of the sections, she scribbled outside of the lines - so we actually had to fill-in the ballot all over again. I didn't let her "help" the second time - I REALLY didn't want to have to get a THIRD ballot!
Personally, I feel like the primary elections are mostly just a waste of time. They don't really prove anything. They're not even indicative of the voting outcome in November. Oh well.
Ok, Hannah is now falling asleep on the couch, so I'd better get her moving towards bed!
Needless to say, I was late for my 10am doctor's appointment. I threw on some clothes, grabbed my puirse and a banana, and drove over these.
Had to wait an HOUR to see my PCP! The wait was not cool.
My thyroid levels are steady and normal, so no problems there.
We talked about my medication doseages now that I am pregnant, and agreed that the safest thing for my pregnancy would be to wean me off Zoloft (I've been taking it since September 2007 for depression). Mike is worried that a sudden drop in meds might harm a baby, as well as damage my mental health. I am trying to convince him otherwise. I think he's just concerned for me.
Hannah helped me vote today too. I told her which little bubbles to fill in. On one of the sections, she scribbled outside of the lines - so we actually had to fill-in the ballot all over again. I didn't let her "help" the second time - I REALLY didn't want to have to get a THIRD ballot!
Personally, I feel like the primary elections are mostly just a waste of time. They don't really prove anything. They're not even indicative of the voting outcome in November. Oh well.
Ok, Hannah is now falling asleep on the couch, so I'd better get her moving towards bed!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
safe and sound
Esther and her family arrived safely at their new home in Idaho last night. They were delayed on Friday with high winds, tornado warnings, interstate closures, ect. They are all very tired, but glad that their new home is set up with everything they need. The congregation at their new church has done an amazing job of welcoming them and helping them unpack!
We had a possible pastor come candidate at our church this weekend. On Saturday, Hannah and I met his wife and two young girls, while he was preparing the sermon and doing some official business with the church elders. Their girls are so cute! The older one is Hannah's age; they had so much fun chasing each other around at the museum. The 10 month old is already walking!
Their father seems to be a gifted teacher, and I think he would make a great new leader for our church. We'll see what the elders say on Wednesday.
Well, I'm 6.5 weeks pregnant and feeling great. Tired, kinda emotional, and still craving pickles. But I can't complain! Tomorrow I have a check-up with my regular family doctor. On Wednesday we are going to tour a birthing center in Chapel Hill. Mike is not too excited about it, but I want to keep it on my list of possibilities.
Take care, and have a great week!
Nicole
We had a possible pastor come candidate at our church this weekend. On Saturday, Hannah and I met his wife and two young girls, while he was preparing the sermon and doing some official business with the church elders. Their girls are so cute! The older one is Hannah's age; they had so much fun chasing each other around at the museum. The 10 month old is already walking!
Their father seems to be a gifted teacher, and I think he would make a great new leader for our church. We'll see what the elders say on Wednesday.
Well, I'm 6.5 weeks pregnant and feeling great. Tired, kinda emotional, and still craving pickles. But I can't complain! Tomorrow I have a check-up with my regular family doctor. On Wednesday we are going to tour a birthing center in Chapel Hill. Mike is not too excited about it, but I want to keep it on my list of possibilities.
Take care, and have a great week!
Nicole
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Today was...
Today was a GOOD day! :)
Got to talk with Esther for 30 mins this morning! We hadn't spoken since they left on Sunday night. Both boys are doing well in the car, no one has gotten hurt or pulled out their hair yet, and Ezra got his first tooth yesterday!!!
Esther said that today it is SNOWING in Idaho and Wyoming - It's May, quit snowing already, for pete's sake!
After lunch, we were babysitting for 4-5 hours. The kids played outside the whole time. I struggled and fought with them to put sunscreen on, but other than that, they were just really fun, having a blast, very well-behaved. All 3 of them ran through the sprinkler and got wet & muddy. I took some really neat pictures. So cute! Then we played hide-n-seek. The five-year-old found some really good places to hide. Once he was under the car, so far that I couldnt see him, and Hannah had to point him out to me!
Still haven't told The Mom (my "boss") that I am pregnant. This afternoon, one of her best friends came over to talk about her pregnancy - the friend is due exactly one month before me! I didnt want to step on her toes, since I don't know the friend very well, so I didnt say anything about myself.
I am waiting until Mother's Day weekend to tell our parents the big news. I'll be about 8 weeks by then. Last year, I never made it past seven weeks, so that will be a big milestone for me.
If you are wondering, my book is about my TTC and infertilty/miscarriage experiences.
No other moms came to the MOPS meeting this week. I'm getting really discouraged. I've been praying and asking God to lead me, and guide me in the right direction - I'm just really confused as to where I should go from here. Should I keep pressing on? Should I renew our MOPS membership for the fall, even though we have no members?! Should I give up on this new group, and lead an already-established group that is farther from home? Should I look for a new church? Am I missing something, or doing anything wrong? Should I just wait and see? I don't know!
I've been wrestling with this for about a month, and I still don't know.
I think sometimes I really need to work on being quiet and still, and just trusting in God.
Lacie and Krissy and Ally, and whoever else is interceding to God on my behalf: THANK YOU! I can feel your prayers!
Got to talk with Esther for 30 mins this morning! We hadn't spoken since they left on Sunday night. Both boys are doing well in the car, no one has gotten hurt or pulled out their hair yet, and Ezra got his first tooth yesterday!!!
Esther said that today it is SNOWING in Idaho and Wyoming - It's May, quit snowing already, for pete's sake!
After lunch, we were babysitting for 4-5 hours. The kids played outside the whole time. I struggled and fought with them to put sunscreen on, but other than that, they were just really fun, having a blast, very well-behaved. All 3 of them ran through the sprinkler and got wet & muddy. I took some really neat pictures. So cute! Then we played hide-n-seek. The five-year-old found some really good places to hide. Once he was under the car, so far that I couldnt see him, and Hannah had to point him out to me!
Still haven't told The Mom (my "boss") that I am pregnant. This afternoon, one of her best friends came over to talk about her pregnancy - the friend is due exactly one month before me! I didnt want to step on her toes, since I don't know the friend very well, so I didnt say anything about myself.
I am waiting until Mother's Day weekend to tell our parents the big news. I'll be about 8 weeks by then. Last year, I never made it past seven weeks, so that will be a big milestone for me.
If you are wondering, my book is about my TTC and infertilty/miscarriage experiences.
No other moms came to the MOPS meeting this week. I'm getting really discouraged. I've been praying and asking God to lead me, and guide me in the right direction - I'm just really confused as to where I should go from here. Should I keep pressing on? Should I renew our MOPS membership for the fall, even though we have no members?! Should I give up on this new group, and lead an already-established group that is farther from home? Should I look for a new church? Am I missing something, or doing anything wrong? Should I just wait and see? I don't know!
I've been wrestling with this for about a month, and I still don't know.
I think sometimes I really need to work on being quiet and still, and just trusting in God.
Lacie and Krissy and Ally, and whoever else is interceding to God on my behalf: THANK YOU! I can feel your prayers!
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