Eight years ago, when I was struggling heavily with miscarriage and secondary infertility, I was in a very deep dark place. God was able to meet me where I was, and eventually, helped me move from that pit of despair into a more functional life, day by day. After I wallowed in all that pain and suffering and loss, after time healed me just a little bit, I was able to push through and move forward, one tiny baby step at a time.
It seems like a lifetime ago, when I was struggling in that way. After all, I haven't had a miscarriage since December 2007. I've also birthed two babies since then. Life has almost come full circle. For the most part, time has healed those wounds from 8 years ago. Yet the emotions that overwhelmed me then, are still very real to me now.
Now I am in a despair of a different kind. I am discontent and discouraged by certain things of this world, things over which I have absolutely no control. I am looking for answers where there are none, asking for certainties when no one knows what will come tomorrow. I want promises, security, definites. I want to hear "yes" or "no", not "maybe" or "wait". Yet I must deal with the uncertainties we face. So I struggle with the unknown, waiting to see what the future will bring.
Being a foster parent has sometimes put me in an emotionally overwhelming place... so much so, that I just might end up back in that manic, obsessive state that I was in eight years ago, as we were trying to get pregnant again. For different reasons, I am again crying out and asking the same question of God: "Why?"
I sometimes search through the photolistings on adoptuskids.org, but tonight I had to close the website and put it away from my mind. I just couldn't deal with the heartache, all the loss and pain wrapped up in those little lives, their life stories abbreviated to a few sentences on an online directory. You can often see it in their eyes, what they've been through, how strong they are. Overcomers.
I don't know about you, but I've heard of the trend to pick a word, one word, to describe you for the year. I don't really like resolutions, so one word seems easier to me than making a list of goals that are generally unrealistic and/or unattainable. (To me, resolutions read more like personal shortcomings in my mind.)
Last year, my word was faith. Have faith.
This year, it will be HOPE.
My favorite verse in the whole Holy book is Hebrews 11:1, and it contains both of these words. (You can look it up here if you don't know it.) I think this year, in 2015, I'm going to rest on His promises, put emphasis on new things, and have HOPE that He who started a good work in me, will see it to completion.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
How many kids do you have? Are you done having babies?
I felt that I needed to share this today.
This other mom's post reminded and convicted me that 1) God has a different plan for each of us, 2) there is a God-ordained reason why each of our families and each of our stories are different, and 3) that we should encourage and celebrate these differences, instead of acting as if we are in constant competition with one another.
And as for the size of your family, it is really is up to you, your husband (if applicable), and God.
For quite a few years, I thought that God was only going to give us one child. Even though my season of miscarriages happened over 7 years ago, I still remember the sting when people would ask "So, how many kids do you have?" or "How many would you like to have?"
Over the past 13 years, beginning with our engagement, Mike and I have spent many hours talking and dreaming and imagining and preparing for what we thought our family might be like. We've been through tough times and have had to make some difficult decisions as to whether or not we should limit our family size. Through an unexpected and high-risk pregnancy, secondary infertility, several back-to-back miscarriages, a baby in ICU, 2 kids under 2, losing a dear friend to SIDs and another friend to stillbirth, and now foster parenting, we seem to have run the gamut of issues faced during the "early family" years.
In this stage of our lives, some people wonder why we have more than 2 or 3 children, and some people seem to expect us to keep adding to our family indefinitely. Either way, I hope that we would not be judged about our family's size, and I would hope that no one else feels judged by their family size either.
We are not in competition with each other. Instead, we need to live in community, with compassion.
Here's the heart of the matter, an excerpt from the original post, and it is exactly what I needed to hear today:
Here's the link to the full article: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2014/11/done-having-babies.html
This other mom's post reminded and convicted me that 1) God has a different plan for each of us, 2) there is a God-ordained reason why each of our families and each of our stories are different, and 3) that we should encourage and celebrate these differences, instead of acting as if we are in constant competition with one another.
And as for the size of your family, it is really is up to you, your husband (if applicable), and God.
For quite a few years, I thought that God was only going to give us one child. Even though my season of miscarriages happened over 7 years ago, I still remember the sting when people would ask "So, how many kids do you have?" or "How many would you like to have?"
Over the past 13 years, beginning with our engagement, Mike and I have spent many hours talking and dreaming and imagining and preparing for what we thought our family might be like. We've been through tough times and have had to make some difficult decisions as to whether or not we should limit our family size. Through an unexpected and high-risk pregnancy, secondary infertility, several back-to-back miscarriages, a baby in ICU, 2 kids under 2, losing a dear friend to SIDs and another friend to stillbirth, and now foster parenting, we seem to have run the gamut of issues faced during the "early family" years.
In this stage of our lives, some people wonder why we have more than 2 or 3 children, and some people seem to expect us to keep adding to our family indefinitely. Either way, I hope that we would not be judged about our family's size, and I would hope that no one else feels judged by their family size either.
We are not in competition with each other. Instead, we need to live in community, with compassion.
Here's the heart of the matter, an excerpt from the original post, and it is exactly what I needed to hear today:
"And so the question for me... and for you, is this:
Can we lay it at the altar? Can we trust in the outcome being glorious no matter what? Can we relinquish control?
Can we walk into the next season with thanksgiving for the baby years? Can we be content in today?
Because if that is what God is asking, go in obedience. And go in grace."Here's the link to the full article: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2014/11/done-having-babies.html
Friday, October 15, 2010
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. In honor of all the babies who are no longer with us, we dedicate this day to you, and we cherish you, loved ones. To learn more about this special day of remembrance, please visit www.october15th.com or iamtheface.org
A friend of mine wrote this poem, and I just had to share it today.
~Remembering our Angels Oct 15th~
Today is a day to remember, our angels up above.
Who danced and left footprints, then left behind their love.
We parents yearn to hold them and to whisper I love you.
Too soon they were taken from us; it isn’t fair that is true.
But we carry on through the darkness; our angels at our side.
Sometimes you can not see the tears, which we feel we have to hide.
Today there is no hiding; we want awareness to be shared.
That these are forever our babies and that for them we really cared.
These little ones have touched us; in a way nothing else can.
And though they can not be with us; in our dreams we are hand in hand.
If you don’t think of them as our children, then you may never have lost.
Please try and understand and help us, work through this painful cost.
Don’t ignore our feelings; we grieve for our lost child.
They were real and our love for them was anything but mild.
So think of those today; who are without their dear sweet little ones.
The children that were lost were their daughters and their sons.
Today we remember them; as a part of our life and soul.
They were real, whole and perfect and their loss takes a toll.
Light a candle for the mommies and for the daddies too.
For on this day we remember; what a little soul can do.
~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15, 2010~
*Kerri-Anne* in memory of ~Sam~ Feb 2, 2010
A friend of mine wrote this poem, and I just had to share it today.
~Remembering our Angels Oct 15th~
Today is a day to remember, our angels up above.
Who danced and left footprints, then left behind their love.
We parents yearn to hold them and to whisper I love you.
Too soon they were taken from us; it isn’t fair that is true.
But we carry on through the darkness; our angels at our side.
Sometimes you can not see the tears, which we feel we have to hide.
Today there is no hiding; we want awareness to be shared.
That these are forever our babies and that for them we really cared.
These little ones have touched us; in a way nothing else can.
And though they can not be with us; in our dreams we are hand in hand.
If you don’t think of them as our children, then you may never have lost.
Please try and understand and help us, work through this painful cost.
Don’t ignore our feelings; we grieve for our lost child.
They were real and our love for them was anything but mild.
So think of those today; who are without their dear sweet little ones.
The children that were lost were their daughters and their sons.
Today we remember them; as a part of our life and soul.
They were real, whole and perfect and their loss takes a toll.
Light a candle for the mommies and for the daddies too.
For on this day we remember; what a little soul can do.
~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15, 2010~
*Kerri-Anne* in memory of ~Sam~ Feb 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Three years ago...
This week marks three years since miscarriage number two. Has it really been that long? How has the time gone so quickly? Then again, there were days that it didn't go by quickly at all. Wow, what a lot we've been through since 2007. Even just looking back through some of these entries can give a lot of perspective about where I've been, and what I have come through to get here today. I'm so thankful for our growing little family.
I have been praying a lot lately about growing our family a different way, through adoption. But I will save that discussion for another time. Mike and I don't always see it in the same way. And I don't even know if it's something we should pursue. Just because it's on my mind and in my heart a lot lately, doesn't mean that it's going to happen. It just means that it's something I've always felt strongly about. It's certainly a higher calling, to give a loving home and a family to someone who doesn't have one of their own.
I have been praying a lot lately about growing our family a different way, through adoption. But I will save that discussion for another time. Mike and I don't always see it in the same way. And I don't even know if it's something we should pursue. Just because it's on my mind and in my heart a lot lately, doesn't mean that it's going to happen. It just means that it's something I've always felt strongly about. It's certainly a higher calling, to give a loving home and a family to someone who doesn't have one of their own.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Anniversary of a loss.
It's been a little over two years since my first miscarriage. I have not forgotten, but the pain and heartache is considerably less than it was in 2007 and 2008.
I remember feeling a whole lot of anger and bitterness at first. Now, it is just sadness, and thankfulness for what I do have.
On the anniversary date, I was kind of down, but didnt realize exactly why until almost a full week later. I think that is because, although I never will forget that day, I think of my losses as more of a season than a specific day: Spring for 1, Summer (Father's Day) for 2, and Christmastime for 3.
When I visited Maryland last weekend, I learned that a childhood friend had recently suffered through a miscarriage. It was her first pregnancy. It seems like she has a lot of support, and I am grateful that she does, because I remember feeling so very alone. She seemed to be dealing very well, especially since the whole pregnancy was a surprise in the first place. I'm glad I could talk with her about it, and that she opened up to me and was willing to share her story.
I am still working on writing my miscarrige book. The words come slowly, in little entires or essays here and there. I hope that one day I can make something beautiful and cohesive out of all these thoughts and prayers.
I remember feeling a whole lot of anger and bitterness at first. Now, it is just sadness, and thankfulness for what I do have.
On the anniversary date, I was kind of down, but didnt realize exactly why until almost a full week later. I think that is because, although I never will forget that day, I think of my losses as more of a season than a specific day: Spring for 1, Summer (Father's Day) for 2, and Christmastime for 3.
When I visited Maryland last weekend, I learned that a childhood friend had recently suffered through a miscarriage. It was her first pregnancy. It seems like she has a lot of support, and I am grateful that she does, because I remember feeling so very alone. She seemed to be dealing very well, especially since the whole pregnancy was a surprise in the first place. I'm glad I could talk with her about it, and that she opened up to me and was willing to share her story.
I am still working on writing my miscarrige book. The words come slowly, in little entires or essays here and there. I hope that one day I can make something beautiful and cohesive out of all these thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
no fair!
Today I learned that one friend is pregnant, and another friend just had a miscarriage. Why? Why isn't life fair?
I have so many things that I'd like to say, so many things that I want to remember, but I never have enough time to properly record them.
Aliah slept from 12-5a, last night. I hope that trend continues.
I am not longer in that newborn-mom fog, but I sure could use more sleep.
I am, however, still in a fog when it comes to household chores like folding laundry and putting dishes away. I just can't seem to finish any of the tasks I start. It doesn't help that Hannah hasn't been extremely helpful lately, but still, thats not a good excuse.
Tonight, I had the wonderful opportunity to have my hair brushed by a brand new four-year-old. It was sweet. She brushed my hair longer than I've ever seen her hold a brush before (she is formerly known to have hairbrush-a-phobia). While that was happening, I was also holding the baby and reading the umpteenth Bernstain Bears book. Nice family moment. If only Daddy was around to take a picture of us (he's working the night shift this week).
We're getting ready for Hannah's birthday party on Saturday. She's excited to dress-up and play princesses with her friends.
I think we need to get out more.
PS: I forgot to mention about Hannah's four-year-old check-up. We went to the doctors with her on Tuesday. She still only weighs 31 lbs, but she is 41 inches tall! She had to get four shots in her legs. She was SUCH a brave girl, the nurses were all very impressed. She didn't even cry... until I got her into the car, and the nit was a major meltdown. But she got stickers from the doctor, and a temporary tattoo, and a new headband, AND I bought her a new book at the bookstore for being so good. Hopefully she wont be traumatized for life.
We get to repeat the process again next week, when Aliah gets her 2-month-old shots. What fun.
I have so many things that I'd like to say, so many things that I want to remember, but I never have enough time to properly record them.
Aliah slept from 12-5a, last night. I hope that trend continues.
I am not longer in that newborn-mom fog, but I sure could use more sleep.
I am, however, still in a fog when it comes to household chores like folding laundry and putting dishes away. I just can't seem to finish any of the tasks I start. It doesn't help that Hannah hasn't been extremely helpful lately, but still, thats not a good excuse.
Tonight, I had the wonderful opportunity to have my hair brushed by a brand new four-year-old. It was sweet. She brushed my hair longer than I've ever seen her hold a brush before (she is formerly known to have hairbrush-a-phobia). While that was happening, I was also holding the baby and reading the umpteenth Bernstain Bears book. Nice family moment. If only Daddy was around to take a picture of us (he's working the night shift this week).
We're getting ready for Hannah's birthday party on Saturday. She's excited to dress-up and play princesses with her friends.
I think we need to get out more.
PS: I forgot to mention about Hannah's four-year-old check-up. We went to the doctors with her on Tuesday. She still only weighs 31 lbs, but she is 41 inches tall! She had to get four shots in her legs. She was SUCH a brave girl, the nurses were all very impressed. She didn't even cry... until I got her into the car, and the nit was a major meltdown. But she got stickers from the doctor, and a temporary tattoo, and a new headband, AND I bought her a new book at the bookstore for being so good. Hopefully she wont be traumatized for life.
We get to repeat the process again next week, when Aliah gets her 2-month-old shots. What fun.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
One year ago...
My sweet, precious, beloved third angel baby...
It was one year ago when I found out about you, little one. I miss you all the time. I ache because you are not here with us. I know that you are safe and secure with God in heaven now, but I still miss you like crazy. I miss you every day, but especially now, at Christmastime. The Christmas season will always remind me of you, such a great loss.
You are my first December child. There will be a new baby in our family very soon, but they will never ever take the place where I hold you in my heart. I miss you, sweet baby, and I love you more than words can say. You are precious and loved.
Four years ago on this day, I had my first-ever ultrasound. We got to see our first and only glimpse of Hannah, our Baby Surprise, in the womb.
One year ago I took another positive pregnancy test - which ended in miscarriage later in the month.
I have been thinking that I might need to resort to taking Zoloft again. I stopped taking it in May, so it's been seven long months.
PPD can be a very dangerous thing, and I'd like to prevent it if I can - but those dark, evil, overwhelming thoughts have been sneaking up on me more and more lately. I'm going to talk to the midwives about it at my next appointment on Tuesday.
It was one year ago when I found out about you, little one. I miss you all the time. I ache because you are not here with us. I know that you are safe and secure with God in heaven now, but I still miss you like crazy. I miss you every day, but especially now, at Christmastime. The Christmas season will always remind me of you, such a great loss.
You are my first December child. There will be a new baby in our family very soon, but they will never ever take the place where I hold you in my heart. I miss you, sweet baby, and I love you more than words can say. You are precious and loved.
Four years ago on this day, I had my first-ever ultrasound. We got to see our first and only glimpse of Hannah, our Baby Surprise, in the womb.
One year ago I took another positive pregnancy test - which ended in miscarriage later in the month.
I have been thinking that I might need to resort to taking Zoloft again. I stopped taking it in May, so it's been seven long months.
PPD can be a very dangerous thing, and I'd like to prevent it if I can - but those dark, evil, overwhelming thoughts have been sneaking up on me more and more lately. I'm going to talk to the midwives about it at my next appointment on Tuesday.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
A year ago today....
Oh, Dear, Sweet Baby:
You were due on this day in 2007.
You were the first of my losses, but not the last.
Sometimes, when I am feeling especially bitter, I think about how I should have a one year old crawling around in my house right about now. But sadly, I don't.
It still pains me that you are not with us. I still mourn for you, baby.
I am so very sorry that you never got to meet your parents, your big sister, or your grandparents, or take your first breaths here on earth. You were gone before we got the chance to say hello or goodbye, and it absolutely devastated me. I remember begging and pleading, crying out to God to spare you, and save your live somehow - but you were in His hands, dear Baby, not mine. It seemed so cruel that He would take you away so soon - but I know that He is sovereign, and He has bigger plans for us. Your death, no matter how difficult it was for me to go through, has taught me several valuable lessons, including how to be a better mother.
I have a special birthstone ring on my right hand that I got especially in remembrance of you. It is the one tangible thing that I have of you. I never take it off. (Even though my fingers are now swollen every morning, I still refuse to take it off, along with my wedding rings.)
I miss you every day, little one, and I think of you all the time. I hope that somehow you know that. Whenever I listen to the song "Glory Baby", I cry, and think of you. You are still loved so very much.
Even though a younger brother or sister will be joining our family soon, they will never take the place that you left empty and broken in my heart.
I love you so much, dear one.
Love Forever, Your Mommy.
You were due on this day in 2007.
You were the first of my losses, but not the last.
Sometimes, when I am feeling especially bitter, I think about how I should have a one year old crawling around in my house right about now. But sadly, I don't.
It still pains me that you are not with us. I still mourn for you, baby.
I am so very sorry that you never got to meet your parents, your big sister, or your grandparents, or take your first breaths here on earth. You were gone before we got the chance to say hello or goodbye, and it absolutely devastated me. I remember begging and pleading, crying out to God to spare you, and save your live somehow - but you were in His hands, dear Baby, not mine. It seemed so cruel that He would take you away so soon - but I know that He is sovereign, and He has bigger plans for us. Your death, no matter how difficult it was for me to go through, has taught me several valuable lessons, including how to be a better mother.
I have a special birthstone ring on my right hand that I got especially in remembrance of you. It is the one tangible thing that I have of you. I never take it off. (Even though my fingers are now swollen every morning, I still refuse to take it off, along with my wedding rings.)
I miss you every day, little one, and I think of you all the time. I hope that somehow you know that. Whenever I listen to the song "Glory Baby", I cry, and think of you. You are still loved so very much.
Even though a younger brother or sister will be joining our family soon, they will never take the place that you left empty and broken in my heart.
I love you so much, dear one.
Love Forever, Your Mommy.
Friday, October 3, 2008
A God-Moment.
I forgot to mention this part of the story yesterday.
But I really think it was a God-moment!
Here is what happened at the end of my doctor's visit yesterday:
I saw the fertility specialist who worked with me earlier this year.
He was going into a patient's room as I was coming in. Then, when my bloodwork was complete, he was walking out too, so we got the chance to talk for a few minutes.
I never could have forgetten his face. He was so concerned and dedicated and caring as he helped me through all the bloodwork, tests, and diagnostic procedures in January. (I say dedicated, because one week I was at his office THREE TIMES to go over test results, and he juggled his schedule to make sure he could be there with me.) During one of the darkest seasons of my life, he helped me tremendously, and gave me a lot of hope, which I desperately needed. He was also very impressed with the knowledge I had about TTC and fertility issues (I even taught him some new lingo: he had never heard of "TTC" before!), and completely understanding about the huge loss of my three pregnancies.
Yesterday, he recognized me, and said hello. I told him I am 6 months pregnant now, and he was genuinely SO happy for me! He said "thank you for reminding me about your situation, I really appreciate you talking to me" and even gave me a hug! I think I made his day! It was really nice.
The weird thing is that he usually works at the main hospital, not that office location. I've never seen him there before, I guess he got clinic duty today? Anyway, I really feel like it was a God-moment, seeing him today.
Now that I write this, I am wondering what he believes about God. Maybe he is a Christian, and maybe not. I wonder...
It makes me feel like I've come a very long way since the beginning of the year. My emotions and personal outlook are SO MUCH Bettere than they were 9 months ago.
Thank You God! :)
But I really think it was a God-moment!
Here is what happened at the end of my doctor's visit yesterday:
I saw the fertility specialist who worked with me earlier this year.
He was going into a patient's room as I was coming in. Then, when my bloodwork was complete, he was walking out too, so we got the chance to talk for a few minutes.
I never could have forgetten his face. He was so concerned and dedicated and caring as he helped me through all the bloodwork, tests, and diagnostic procedures in January. (I say dedicated, because one week I was at his office THREE TIMES to go over test results, and he juggled his schedule to make sure he could be there with me.) During one of the darkest seasons of my life, he helped me tremendously, and gave me a lot of hope, which I desperately needed. He was also very impressed with the knowledge I had about TTC and fertility issues (I even taught him some new lingo: he had never heard of "TTC" before!), and completely understanding about the huge loss of my three pregnancies.
Yesterday, he recognized me, and said hello. I told him I am 6 months pregnant now, and he was genuinely SO happy for me! He said "thank you for reminding me about your situation, I really appreciate you talking to me" and even gave me a hug! I think I made his day! It was really nice.
The weird thing is that he usually works at the main hospital, not that office location. I've never seen him there before, I guess he got clinic duty today? Anyway, I really feel like it was a God-moment, seeing him today.
Now that I write this, I am wondering what he believes about God. Maybe he is a Christian, and maybe not. I wonder...
It makes me feel like I've come a very long way since the beginning of the year. My emotions and personal outlook are SO MUCH Bettere than they were 9 months ago.
Thank You God! :)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Another Due Date
I was due to have a baby this week. My last pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage at Christmastime) was supposed to have been born by now.
It's hard for me to think about it like that. I am still so very sad for the losses I endured last year. It was honestly, easily, hands-down the worst year of my life, and honestly I couldnt be happier that 2007 is over and done with. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got through that nightmarish period of my life.
Sweet Little Baby, I think of you all the time. Mommy and Daddy and Hannah miss you so much. Even little Hannah knew the pain and heartbreak of losing you. When your big sister is a little older, I will tell her more about you, and the other siblings that she will never get to meet. For now, I take comfort in the fact that you are in Heaven, in God's hands, experiencing no pain. The song "Glory Baby" was a good healing tool for me, and everytime I hear it, it makes me think of you. I also finished a memory book for Mother's Day, in your honor. You will always have a very special place in my heart. You were too fragile for earth, but you lived with me for six weeks, and I will never ever forget that joyful time.
Some days I still have a hard time connecting, and realizing that the new reality is: I AM pregnant again. Most days it's very hard for me to push away the doubt and fears, and actually be excited about this new little one. It's definitely a very personal, growing, difficult, healing process. These past experiences have severely tested my faith and my family relationships.
I'm sorry that it took so many losses for me to be here now. This journey has been long and hard, and it's not over yet - but I can say that I am thankful to God, for placing me where I am today.
It's hard for me to think about it like that. I am still so very sad for the losses I endured last year. It was honestly, easily, hands-down the worst year of my life, and honestly I couldnt be happier that 2007 is over and done with. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got through that nightmarish period of my life.
Sweet Little Baby, I think of you all the time. Mommy and Daddy and Hannah miss you so much. Even little Hannah knew the pain and heartbreak of losing you. When your big sister is a little older, I will tell her more about you, and the other siblings that she will never get to meet. For now, I take comfort in the fact that you are in Heaven, in God's hands, experiencing no pain. The song "Glory Baby" was a good healing tool for me, and everytime I hear it, it makes me think of you. I also finished a memory book for Mother's Day, in your honor. You will always have a very special place in my heart. You were too fragile for earth, but you lived with me for six weeks, and I will never ever forget that joyful time.
Some days I still have a hard time connecting, and realizing that the new reality is: I AM pregnant again. Most days it's very hard for me to push away the doubt and fears, and actually be excited about this new little one. It's definitely a very personal, growing, difficult, healing process. These past experiences have severely tested my faith and my family relationships.
I'm sorry that it took so many losses for me to be here now. This journey has been long and hard, and it's not over yet - but I can say that I am thankful to God, for placing me where I am today.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friend from Church.
My friend from church is not doing so well. They suspect it might be an ectopic pregnancy. Her HCG levels are not normal. She will have more tests done in the morning, and plan to have a D&C later this week, to rule out additional complications.
I am just so saddened by all this loss. All the unborn babies, so many little ones who don't make it to earth. I can't make sense of it. It gets me so depressed!
I am just so saddened by all this loss. All the unborn babies, so many little ones who don't make it to earth. I can't make sense of it. It gets me so depressed!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sad day.
The Babysitting Mom had another miscarriage this morning. I feel so awful for her. This was her SEVENTH pregnancy. I don't know how she copes, other than a lot of prayers.
I watched the kids for eight hours today, to give her a much-needed break.
One of our fish died last night.
Hannah was quite saddened by that.
In other happier news, our ultrasound is tomorrow morning.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I watched the kids for eight hours today, to give her a much-needed break.
One of our fish died last night.
Hannah was quite saddened by that.
In other happier news, our ultrasound is tomorrow morning.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Friday, June 13, 2008
12 weeks. Updates. Pictures.
Sorry it's been a whole week since Ive posted. The last few times I've logged on to Blogger, I kept getting error messages. Frustrating!
As of Wednesday, I am twelve weeks pregnant!
Here are some tummy pictures:
Can you tell that I had to snap the pictures myself? That's why they are a little blurry and out of focus. That's ok, you get the idea.
I want to find a shirt that says "Im not fat... Im just pregnant." I have now officially graduated from button-fly jeans and patns, to elastic-waist and drawstring pants. My largest pair of jean shorts doesnt quite button anymore. Oh well!But Im not big enough for maternity clothes, not quite yet (even though I can't wait to wear them!).
Today, we spent the morning playing with some MOPS friends, and did a little shopping. I've had a very hard time finding size 7 1/2 sandals for Hannah. We finally got some for $15 at Rack Room Shoes. (We'd been through so many stores, and by that time, we just wanted to be done!) She already has two different pairs of purple Cros, but one pair is too small, and the other pair is just a little too big, so they fall off her feet. She's growing out of all her clothes and shoes so fast lately!!!
Last week I got 3t-4t summer clothes out of the attic for her, and all the 3t dresses are too short! They barely cover her behind! What happened to my tiny little girl?! She's getting really tall.
Sad News: I found out today that a friend recently had her second miscarriage. I've been praying for her for months, since she started TTCing last year. It's nice to know that God has given her peace about the loss, but Im just so sad for her right now! I think it helped her, just to talk with someone who understands.
We also met a new friend, who recently had her last baby and is trying to get rid of her maternity clothes. Win-win! Her daughter was born exactly the same day as Hannah! I invited them to MOPS, and we exchanged phone numbers. I hope we can stay in touch.
Tomorrow we are going to a church picnic, which will be lots of fun.
Then Sunday is FATHER'S DAY!
Have a great weekend :)
As of Wednesday, I am twelve weeks pregnant!
Here are some tummy pictures:
Can you tell that I had to snap the pictures myself? That's why they are a little blurry and out of focus. That's ok, you get the idea.
I want to find a shirt that says "Im not fat... Im just pregnant." I have now officially graduated from button-fly jeans and patns, to elastic-waist and drawstring pants. My largest pair of jean shorts doesnt quite button anymore. Oh well!But Im not big enough for maternity clothes, not quite yet (even though I can't wait to wear them!).
Today, we spent the morning playing with some MOPS friends, and did a little shopping. I've had a very hard time finding size 7 1/2 sandals for Hannah. We finally got some for $15 at Rack Room Shoes. (We'd been through so many stores, and by that time, we just wanted to be done!) She already has two different pairs of purple Cros, but one pair is too small, and the other pair is just a little too big, so they fall off her feet. She's growing out of all her clothes and shoes so fast lately!!!
Last week I got 3t-4t summer clothes out of the attic for her, and all the 3t dresses are too short! They barely cover her behind! What happened to my tiny little girl?! She's getting really tall. Sad News: I found out today that a friend recently had her second miscarriage. I've been praying for her for months, since she started TTCing last year. It's nice to know that God has given her peace about the loss, but Im just so sad for her right now! I think it helped her, just to talk with someone who understands.
We also met a new friend, who recently had her last baby and is trying to get rid of her maternity clothes. Win-win! Her daughter was born exactly the same day as Hannah! I invited them to MOPS, and we exchanged phone numbers. I hope we can stay in touch.
Tomorrow we are going to a church picnic, which will be lots of fun.
Then Sunday is FATHER'S DAY!
Have a great weekend :)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Doctor's Appointment!
Im feeling great! Extra hungry, but that's ok.
My doctor's appointment went so well! I'm SO EXCITED! [:D]
Today I weighed 128 lbs - up about one pound from last month. My bp was normal (it usually is), but because I had severe pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant with Hannah, and it's likely it could happen again, they're watching me very closely. I have to do the 24-hr urine test tomorrow. (Otherwise known as Pee-into-a-bottle-all-day-and-all-night-long. Oh what fun.)
I was majorly impressed that the ob/midwife practice already had all of my records in order, and was very relieved that I didn't have to explain my entire medical history all over again. They already knew my LMP, my last pap smear, my EDD, all my past pregnancies, everything! They even had all of Hannah's medical records too, because her pediatrician works for the same practice!
We listened for a heartbeat with the handheld Doppler, and heard all kinds of swooshing noises (digestion, bloodflow, maybe my own heartbeat?) but couldn't get a clear sound.
So, just to be sure, they pulled out the ultrasound machine.
I had no idea what to expect. I've only ever gotten to have ONE ultrasound before, when Hannah was about 24 weeks.
But today I got to SEE my baby, and see it's tiny heartbeat! It was so surreal. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting to really see anything at all! I mean, not that there's a whole lot to look at, when youre less than an inch long.... Yeah, I could tell there was a head and a body, but that was about it.
Baby was swimming around like CRAZY! Such a tiny thing, but already so active.
It was so funny-looking, I almost cried!
The midwife said "Hey, I thought you'd be more excited about this", but I think I was mostly just shocked. I had to let it sink in: A baby, there really is a live baby in there! THANK YOU GOD!
Baby is measuring exactly nine weeks, which is a couple days bigger than my estimated 8wks, 5 days - but hey, nothing wrong with that!
The due date is still Christmas Eve.
The only bad part happened when they tried to get 6 vials of blood out of me. I know I have awful veins, but the nurse didn't do such a wonderful job. It took her 3 tries just to hit a vein! Oh well, maybe I'll get someone else next time.
I've decided to go with this practice, UNC's midwife program, instead of using the freestanding birthing center. Before today, I wasn't sure, but now I am convinced. I just feel that delivering at the hospital is a safer choice for me if there are complications later in the pregnancy, or with delivery.... or if I have to be induced again.
And the fact that they have a portable ultrasound machine that we can use whenever we need to, without actually going to the hospital - well, that's a nice bonus!
So, I'll visit them every four weeks, for now.
I am so thankful. I cried on the way home, just so glad that this pregnancy is going well, and that I've made it to two months. Here's hoping for seven more!
A funny Hannah moment: I got home, and walked in the door holding a printout of 3 ultrasound pictures. I showed Mike, and he said something semi-approving, like "oh look, there's a baby blob in there". Then of course Hannah yelled "I wanna see, I wanna see!" So he handed the pictures to Hannah.... and she promptly dropped it onto the floor! Completely uninterested in a fuzzy-looking gray, black-and-white thing (can you blame her, really?!).
We asked her "What is that?" and she honestly, matter-of-factly replied "I don't know." Poor girl, she's still pretty clueless.
I'm going to sign us up to take the hospital maternity tour, probably in late September or October, which also includes a sibling class. They give the kids a tour of the hospital, the labor & delivery rooms, and the baby nursery, so that she can get a better idea of what will happen. Maybe it will help make it more real for her. Right now she has a really hard time grasping concepts that are not concrete.
Wow, I feel like I've written a whole book chapter tonight.
Have a good night, and a happy tomorrow! :)
My doctor's appointment went so well! I'm SO EXCITED! [:D]
Today I weighed 128 lbs - up about one pound from last month. My bp was normal (it usually is), but because I had severe pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant with Hannah, and it's likely it could happen again, they're watching me very closely. I have to do the 24-hr urine test tomorrow. (Otherwise known as Pee-into-a-bottle-all-day-and-all-night-long. Oh what fun.)
I was majorly impressed that the ob/midwife practice already had all of my records in order, and was very relieved that I didn't have to explain my entire medical history all over again. They already knew my LMP, my last pap smear, my EDD, all my past pregnancies, everything! They even had all of Hannah's medical records too, because her pediatrician works for the same practice!
We listened for a heartbeat with the handheld Doppler, and heard all kinds of swooshing noises (digestion, bloodflow, maybe my own heartbeat?) but couldn't get a clear sound.
So, just to be sure, they pulled out the ultrasound machine.
I had no idea what to expect. I've only ever gotten to have ONE ultrasound before, when Hannah was about 24 weeks.
But today I got to SEE my baby, and see it's tiny heartbeat! It was so surreal. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting to really see anything at all! I mean, not that there's a whole lot to look at, when youre less than an inch long.... Yeah, I could tell there was a head and a body, but that was about it.
Baby was swimming around like CRAZY! Such a tiny thing, but already so active.
It was so funny-looking, I almost cried!
The midwife said "Hey, I thought you'd be more excited about this", but I think I was mostly just shocked. I had to let it sink in: A baby, there really is a live baby in there! THANK YOU GOD!
Baby is measuring exactly nine weeks, which is a couple days bigger than my estimated 8wks, 5 days - but hey, nothing wrong with that!
The due date is still Christmas Eve.
The only bad part happened when they tried to get 6 vials of blood out of me. I know I have awful veins, but the nurse didn't do such a wonderful job. It took her 3 tries just to hit a vein! Oh well, maybe I'll get someone else next time.
I've decided to go with this practice, UNC's midwife program, instead of using the freestanding birthing center. Before today, I wasn't sure, but now I am convinced. I just feel that delivering at the hospital is a safer choice for me if there are complications later in the pregnancy, or with delivery.... or if I have to be induced again.
And the fact that they have a portable ultrasound machine that we can use whenever we need to, without actually going to the hospital - well, that's a nice bonus!
So, I'll visit them every four weeks, for now.
I am so thankful. I cried on the way home, just so glad that this pregnancy is going well, and that I've made it to two months. Here's hoping for seven more!
A funny Hannah moment: I got home, and walked in the door holding a printout of 3 ultrasound pictures. I showed Mike, and he said something semi-approving, like "oh look, there's a baby blob in there". Then of course Hannah yelled "I wanna see, I wanna see!" So he handed the pictures to Hannah.... and she promptly dropped it onto the floor! Completely uninterested in a fuzzy-looking gray, black-and-white thing (can you blame her, really?!).
We asked her "What is that?" and she honestly, matter-of-factly replied "I don't know." Poor girl, she's still pretty clueless.
I'm going to sign us up to take the hospital maternity tour, probably in late September or October, which also includes a sibling class. They give the kids a tour of the hospital, the labor & delivery rooms, and the baby nursery, so that she can get a better idea of what will happen. Maybe it will help make it more real for her. Right now she has a really hard time grasping concepts that are not concrete.
Wow, I feel like I've written a whole book chapter tonight.
Have a good night, and a happy tomorrow! :)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
It's raining, it's pouring... and Hannah is snoring.
I almost bought myself a miscarriage/pregnancy loss bracelet from http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html for Mother's Day... but ended up not ordering it. They have some really touching, beautiful things. Instead, I used some of the designs to inspire my own creation! These are the first pieces of jewelry that I have ever made, and I am SO EXCITED and happy at the way they turned out! :) I put a colored birthstone next to each flower, representing the months that I lost my three angel babies. And the matching earrings are just perfect! You can't get those at a store!
Look what I made last night!
I just wanted to share this, because the whole jewelry-making process was a very healing and beautiful experience for me. Now I am working on two similar bracelet/earring sets, that I plan to give to my mom and MIL for their birthdays later this summer, as a thank-you gift for supporting me through one of the most difficult years of my life.
This morning was the first time I got to wear my new bracelet/earrings. And during church, I felt such a peace and calm from the Holy Spirit! I was on the verge of tears all morning. It really was amazing; I don't know how to explain it. The message today was about being missionaries and servants of God, and I just felt so moved and encouraged. I know that God is working through me, to be a "missionary" right here in NC, just where I am.
After church, Hannah & I ate lunch, and took a verrrry long walk around the neigborhood - she walked/rode her bike for over an hour! Then she came home and crashed.
I'm glad we got some exercise, kuz it's pouring down rain now!
The thunder and lightening are getting closer, so I'm gonna shut down the computer, just to be safe. We've already had one hard drive crash this week. I don't want to deal with that again.
Hope you had a nice weekend.
Look what I made last night!
I just wanted to share this, because the whole jewelry-making process was a very healing and beautiful experience for me. Now I am working on two similar bracelet/earring sets, that I plan to give to my mom and MIL for their birthdays later this summer, as a thank-you gift for supporting me through one of the most difficult years of my life.
This morning was the first time I got to wear my new bracelet/earrings. And during church, I felt such a peace and calm from the Holy Spirit! I was on the verge of tears all morning. It really was amazing; I don't know how to explain it. The message today was about being missionaries and servants of God, and I just felt so moved and encouraged. I know that God is working through me, to be a "missionary" right here in NC, just where I am.
After church, Hannah & I ate lunch, and took a verrrry long walk around the neigborhood - she walked/rode her bike for over an hour! Then she came home and crashed.
I'm glad we got some exercise, kuz it's pouring down rain now!
The thunder and lightening are getting closer, so I'm gonna shut down the computer, just to be safe. We've already had one hard drive crash this week. I don't want to deal with that again.
Hope you had a nice weekend.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Speech Tomorrow. Read and Reply!
This is the speech I am giving to all of my Durham MOPS friends tomorrow morning.
Tell me what you think. Is it too much?
SMALL MIRACLES:
Some of the most difficult questions for me to answer are: “How many children do you have?” and “oh, is she your only one?” or “when are you going to have more?” At first these might seem like innocent questions, appropriate for all mothers of preschoolers.
Well, some of you may or may not know that I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me. It’s not something with physical scars, that show on the outside. It’s not an easy subject to talk about. But this morning I am going to tell my story, with the hope that God can use me and my experiences to strengthen and encourage you. And please excuse me if I get emotional and start to cry!
Last year, in February 2007, the week that my daughter Hannah turned three years old, I discovered I was pregnant again. My husband Mike and I were so excited! We immediately told our parents, and our siblings, Hannah’s aunts and uncles.
But about 3 weeks after that positive pregnancy test, on a Sunday morning in March, I began bleeding heavily.
We were completely devastated.
I never imagined, not even in my worst nightmares, that this could happen to me. I felt so isolated and alone. I didn’t know how to tell family and friends what had taken place – partly because I was in denial for a little while. I just wanted to sit alone in the dark, under the blankets, and mourn.
I thought: Why would this pregnancy be taken away from me, when we wanted it so badly? I got angry. I questioned God’s plans and His purposes. It just wasn’t fair. Why me? Why do bad things like this happen to good people (like me)? Did I do something wrong? Do I deserve this somehow? I wrestled with guilt and fear.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are not easy subjects to bring up, and are not talked about very much. Many women suffer along in silence. But I was surprised to find out how often it happens (about one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, maybe more, since early losses aren’t always reported).
As I began to open up and share my burden, women from my neighborhood, my church, even my own family, admitted that they had suffered private losses too.
I realized that maybe I was not alone after all.
Life moved on that spring, whether I wanted it to or not. Exactly three months after my first loss, I found out that I was pregnant again. But we barely had time to process the news. Just a few days later, my third pregnancy ended at five weeks. My doctor called it a “chemical pregnancy”. It was Father’s Day weekend. How ironic. I felt so sad and bitter, and afraid. I drove home to be with my family in Maryland, to get away for a little while.
The following week, one of my closest friends, Esther, gave birth to her son. She had asked me to be there, to come to the hospital when he was born. I stayed with her all day.
But I was unsure how I would react, if I would be able to be emotionally supportive, Thankfully, I was not jealous. I was not uncomfortable. I was genuinely calm and happy to be there, joyfully supporting my friend and celebrating her new baby.
God gave me the grace and the strength I needed to be there for Esther.
(Her son Ezra is truly a gift from God. During her pregnancy, an ultrasound showed that Ezra had clubbed feet. For months and months we prayed so hard for that little baby, and God answered our prayers. Ezra was born with just one mildly clubbed foot, not two, as the doctors thought.)
At a joyful time, when many of my friends were experiencing the joys of pregnancy and new motherhood, I was experiencing great loss and sadness.
I was so emotionally fragile that summer.
I began to think that Hannah might be my only child.
I started losing hope, and slipping into depression.
Barriers were created between my husband and me.
We had to work hard to keep our marriage on the right track.
But through these trials, God listened, and he was patience and faithful to me, despite how I might have felt towards him. I was amazed at how much comfort He could bring to my grieving soul. He made me stronger; He strengthened my faith. He carried me through, even when I thought I might not be able to go on.
And most amazing of all, He created opportunities to share my story with others, to begin to reach out and comfort and minister to women who had experienced similar losses. I realized that I could be an encouragement to them! And through that outreach effort, I myself began the healing process. I’ve even started writing a book about my experience, hoping that I can help more women by telling my story.
Six months after my second loss, in December 2007, I became pregnant again. We couldn’t wait to announce the happy news to our families when we visited them at Christmastime. But it didn’t quite get that far. The pregnancy ended at six weeks, just two days before Christmas. Again, I was filled with sadness and grief.
Three miscarriages in nine months: How horrible! What was going on with my body?
I just felt so empty and heartbroken. And deep down, I knew that something just wasn’t right.
In January of this year, I visited with a new doctor, who discovered that I have a thyroid problem. He told me that this could be the cause of my infertility and early pregnancy losses. I felt so much relief, that now there was a name and a solution for my problem. There was hope!
Last year was one of the most trying times in my life. My faith was severely tested and my beliefs were shaken. But I know that God does all things for the good of those who love Him. Even when we don’t understand His ways, He can turn the saddest of circumstances into a triumphant, golden opportunity of love and grace. And He has been pushing me out of my comfort zone, stretching me to new heights, and helping me to become more confident in who I am. Even though I am a sinner, and I am still a work in progress.
Now, it is spring again.
I can barely believe it, but it has been over a year since my first miscarriage.
I feel like I have come around in a full circle.
I know that God is not finished with me yet, because He is faithful.
Once again, he has answered my prayers, because I am pregnant again.
God has blessed us with a tiny miracle, that is due to arrive in December. I can’t think of a better Christmas present, or a better way to be a vessel and an example of Jesus’ love.
Please pray with me.
Thank you, dear God, for the many blessings that you have given to each one of us. Thank you for your love, your grace, your mercy and salvation. Thank you for turning our trials into triumphs. And thank you that you are the wonderful Creator and the giver of everlasting life.
Amen.
Tell me what you think. Is it too much?
SMALL MIRACLES:
Some of the most difficult questions for me to answer are: “How many children do you have?” and “oh, is she your only one?” or “when are you going to have more?” At first these might seem like innocent questions, appropriate for all mothers of preschoolers.
Well, some of you may or may not know that I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me. It’s not something with physical scars, that show on the outside. It’s not an easy subject to talk about. But this morning I am going to tell my story, with the hope that God can use me and my experiences to strengthen and encourage you. And please excuse me if I get emotional and start to cry!
Last year, in February 2007, the week that my daughter Hannah turned three years old, I discovered I was pregnant again. My husband Mike and I were so excited! We immediately told our parents, and our siblings, Hannah’s aunts and uncles.
But about 3 weeks after that positive pregnancy test, on a Sunday morning in March, I began bleeding heavily.
We were completely devastated.
I never imagined, not even in my worst nightmares, that this could happen to me. I felt so isolated and alone. I didn’t know how to tell family and friends what had taken place – partly because I was in denial for a little while. I just wanted to sit alone in the dark, under the blankets, and mourn.
I thought: Why would this pregnancy be taken away from me, when we wanted it so badly? I got angry. I questioned God’s plans and His purposes. It just wasn’t fair. Why me? Why do bad things like this happen to good people (like me)? Did I do something wrong? Do I deserve this somehow? I wrestled with guilt and fear.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are not easy subjects to bring up, and are not talked about very much. Many women suffer along in silence. But I was surprised to find out how often it happens (about one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, maybe more, since early losses aren’t always reported).
As I began to open up and share my burden, women from my neighborhood, my church, even my own family, admitted that they had suffered private losses too.
I realized that maybe I was not alone after all.
Life moved on that spring, whether I wanted it to or not. Exactly three months after my first loss, I found out that I was pregnant again. But we barely had time to process the news. Just a few days later, my third pregnancy ended at five weeks. My doctor called it a “chemical pregnancy”. It was Father’s Day weekend. How ironic. I felt so sad and bitter, and afraid. I drove home to be with my family in Maryland, to get away for a little while.
The following week, one of my closest friends, Esther, gave birth to her son. She had asked me to be there, to come to the hospital when he was born. I stayed with her all day.
But I was unsure how I would react, if I would be able to be emotionally supportive, Thankfully, I was not jealous. I was not uncomfortable. I was genuinely calm and happy to be there, joyfully supporting my friend and celebrating her new baby.
God gave me the grace and the strength I needed to be there for Esther.
(Her son Ezra is truly a gift from God. During her pregnancy, an ultrasound showed that Ezra had clubbed feet. For months and months we prayed so hard for that little baby, and God answered our prayers. Ezra was born with just one mildly clubbed foot, not two, as the doctors thought.)
At a joyful time, when many of my friends were experiencing the joys of pregnancy and new motherhood, I was experiencing great loss and sadness.
I was so emotionally fragile that summer.
I began to think that Hannah might be my only child.
I started losing hope, and slipping into depression.
Barriers were created between my husband and me.
We had to work hard to keep our marriage on the right track.
But through these trials, God listened, and he was patience and faithful to me, despite how I might have felt towards him. I was amazed at how much comfort He could bring to my grieving soul. He made me stronger; He strengthened my faith. He carried me through, even when I thought I might not be able to go on.
And most amazing of all, He created opportunities to share my story with others, to begin to reach out and comfort and minister to women who had experienced similar losses. I realized that I could be an encouragement to them! And through that outreach effort, I myself began the healing process. I’ve even started writing a book about my experience, hoping that I can help more women by telling my story.
Six months after my second loss, in December 2007, I became pregnant again. We couldn’t wait to announce the happy news to our families when we visited them at Christmastime. But it didn’t quite get that far. The pregnancy ended at six weeks, just two days before Christmas. Again, I was filled with sadness and grief.
Three miscarriages in nine months: How horrible! What was going on with my body?
I just felt so empty and heartbroken. And deep down, I knew that something just wasn’t right.
In January of this year, I visited with a new doctor, who discovered that I have a thyroid problem. He told me that this could be the cause of my infertility and early pregnancy losses. I felt so much relief, that now there was a name and a solution for my problem. There was hope!
Last year was one of the most trying times in my life. My faith was severely tested and my beliefs were shaken. But I know that God does all things for the good of those who love Him. Even when we don’t understand His ways, He can turn the saddest of circumstances into a triumphant, golden opportunity of love and grace. And He has been pushing me out of my comfort zone, stretching me to new heights, and helping me to become more confident in who I am. Even though I am a sinner, and I am still a work in progress.
Now, it is spring again.
I can barely believe it, but it has been over a year since my first miscarriage.
I feel like I have come around in a full circle.
I know that God is not finished with me yet, because He is faithful.
Once again, he has answered my prayers, because I am pregnant again.
God has blessed us with a tiny miracle, that is due to arrive in December. I can’t think of a better Christmas present, or a better way to be a vessel and an example of Jesus’ love.
Please pray with me.
Thank you, dear God, for the many blessings that you have given to each one of us. Thank you for your love, your grace, your mercy and salvation. Thank you for turning our trials into triumphs. And thank you that you are the wonderful Creator and the giver of everlasting life.
Amen.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
TTC after miscarriages.
I don't think anyone in real life knows just how all-consuming this TTC stuff is for me!
There is a very good reason that I have not posted at all this week. I've had a lot in my mind. I've been having more bizzare dreams, been going to bed very very late, and waking up at sunrise. I've been trying to internalize my situation and think it through thouroughly before I post it here for all to see.
That being said: Want to see how obsessive I am? After 3 pregnancy losses within 12 months? Ok, this is what happens when you chart your fertility signs for 2 years - it makes you a little crazy! It can even make you look like this or this! I know that this is only possible through the grace and miraculous power of God.
I wanted this to be my little secret for awhile, just between me and Mike and God.
But I'm so nervous and terrified and excited that I had to share it somewhere.
Please continue to pray for me and my family!!!
There is a very good reason that I have not posted at all this week. I've had a lot in my mind. I've been having more bizzare dreams, been going to bed very very late, and waking up at sunrise. I've been trying to internalize my situation and think it through thouroughly before I post it here for all to see.
That being said: Want to see how obsessive I am? After 3 pregnancy losses within 12 months? Ok, this is what happens when you chart your fertility signs for 2 years - it makes you a little crazy! It can even make you look like this or this! I know that this is only possible through the grace and miraculous power of God.
I wanted this to be my little secret for awhile, just between me and Mike and God.
But I'm so nervous and terrified and excited that I had to share it somewhere.
Please continue to pray for me and my family!!!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Palm Sunday
This morning at church, the interim pastor talked about the characteristics of Jesus, and how he has fulfilled all the prophesies in the old and new testaments. Some of the things he brought up really resonated with me. He cited the passage “Jesus wept”, and went on to say that “Jesus is always with us. Even in our darkest times, even when we feel lonely and beyond hope – He is there, and he is crying with us. Jesus has a tear-stained face.” Sometimes I forget that our God has so much compassion and mercy. It was a good reminder for me. He also talked about how deeply Jesus loved all the creations in the world, especially children.
At the end of the service, they had an altar call. I have never done anything like this before, but I felt compelled to join this time. So, I knelt at the foot of the stage and prayed about my miscarriages, my pain and sorrow and sadness, and wanting to be pregnant again.
As I was praying silently, Esther reached out to me. Just the physical sensation of her rubbing my back was so comforting – it was as if God was using her to say and do exactly what I needed. It was amazing.
My favorite moment was when we were praying together, and Esther began crying (I shed a few tears myself!). She was talking about my unborn children, and she said “those little babies, up in Heaven… I miss them, I miss them so much.” It encouraged me so very much, that she validated my losses.
It was incredibly comforting to me. I feel so blessed that she is my friend.
I said “It really helps me, to know that I’m not the only one who misses them, or thinks about them.” She said she often thinks of me and the hard things I’ve faced this year… supporting her through the birth of her son, just days after my second loss; how we would have been pregnant together last year; how our second children would have only been a few months apart.
It is so true, that grief is eased when shared by two. (Is that a bible verse?)
At the end of the service, they had an altar call. I have never done anything like this before, but I felt compelled to join this time. So, I knelt at the foot of the stage and prayed about my miscarriages, my pain and sorrow and sadness, and wanting to be pregnant again.
As I was praying silently, Esther reached out to me. Just the physical sensation of her rubbing my back was so comforting – it was as if God was using her to say and do exactly what I needed. It was amazing.
My favorite moment was when we were praying together, and Esther began crying (I shed a few tears myself!). She was talking about my unborn children, and she said “those little babies, up in Heaven… I miss them, I miss them so much.” It encouraged me so very much, that she validated my losses.
It was incredibly comforting to me. I feel so blessed that she is my friend.
I said “It really helps me, to know that I’m not the only one who misses them, or thinks about them.” She said she often thinks of me and the hard things I’ve faced this year… supporting her through the birth of her son, just days after my second loss; how we would have been pregnant together last year; how our second children would have only been a few months apart.
It is so true, that grief is eased when shared by two. (Is that a bible verse?)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
My Last Day Alone. They're Almost Home
Mike & Hannah are driving home from Pittsburgh today. They left around 9am. They might be home for dinner. I know they had a great time, and I think it also did me a world of good to get some much-needed time to myself.
I've been having fun with my crafts and scrapbook projects, and Ive also dome some shopping for myself and gotten some cleaning & organizing done around the house. Plus Ive spent some quailty time with Esther, outside of church. I offered to watch her 2 boys on Monday so that she could have some kid-free time... and as a thank-you, she brought us burritos from Taco Bell for lunch, and a dozen pink tulips for me! It was such a nice surprise! The flowers smell so good, and they look very pretty on my nice clean kitchen counter.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I was pretty emotional last night. It is still very painful and sad, but I think that I am beginning to find some closure, and peace. This week, I have been working on a special scrapbook in memory of my three angel babies.
I think now Im going to sit outside on the swing in the front yard, eat something for lunch, and read a book. Spring is a beautiful time of year, I've got to enjoy it while I can.
Nicole
I've been having fun with my crafts and scrapbook projects, and Ive also dome some shopping for myself and gotten some cleaning & organizing done around the house. Plus Ive spent some quailty time with Esther, outside of church. I offered to watch her 2 boys on Monday so that she could have some kid-free time... and as a thank-you, she brought us burritos from Taco Bell for lunch, and a dozen pink tulips for me! It was such a nice surprise! The flowers smell so good, and they look very pretty on my nice clean kitchen counter.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I was pretty emotional last night. It is still very painful and sad, but I think that I am beginning to find some closure, and peace. This week, I have been working on a special scrapbook in memory of my three angel babies.
I think now Im going to sit outside on the swing in the front yard, eat something for lunch, and read a book. Spring is a beautiful time of year, I've got to enjoy it while I can.
Nicole
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday March 3rd: Banana Bread and Babies
It's 4:30 pm. Hannah watches me prepare and measure all the ingredients to make banana bread. Slowly and carefully, she dumps each iten into the big silver mixing bowl. She samples the fruit and chocolate chips as she pours them in. The raisins are her favorite part. She cracks the eggs on the side of the bowl, as she's seen me do a hundred times, then helps me stir it all up. Hannah tastes the mixture, licking it off a fork, and proclaims "yummmm."
I mix the batter again, then say "ok, it's ready", meaning that it's ready to go in the oven. She thinks I mean it's ready to eat. She'd rather eat it now. I turn on the oven light, so that she can see the bread as it bakes.
Now it's 5pm. I say "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's eat some dinner."
I put together rice, cheese, beans, carrots and chicken. Hannah sits at the kitchen table with me. As I'm pouring drinks, she asks "Mommy, is there a tiny baby in your tummy? We're going to have a new baby at our house, right Mommy? But I won't tell anybody, kuz it's a secret."
This is exactly what we told her back in December, at Christmastime, and so far she still doesn't know any different. But it breaks my heart. I feel like I am lying to her, by not telling her the truth. It makes me so sad...
I try to think of how to explain miscarriage to this precious, smart, beautiful little girl who just turned three years old. I think for a minute, watching her. How much should I tell? What will she understand? Is she really listening to me?
I say "Hannah, Mommy is not going to have a new baby right now. The baby that was in Mommy's tummy stopped growing. It's not there anymore."
Still looking down at her plate, she asks the inevitable "Why?"
"The baby stopped growing inside me. Remember when Mommy was very sad?" (Of course. I know she does. She remembers everything.) She nods yes: "You cried in your bed." She pauses, thinks for a moment. "Was the baby in your bed?"
"No Hannah, the baby ...is not here. It stopped growing."
I went on to say something about how we would love to have another baby, and I would tell her when it was time, but we might have to wait awhile longer. She didn't ask anymore questions, and went back to eating her dinner.
I wish I knew what she was really thinking.
What a conversation to have with a three year old.
But I felt that I needed to tell her. She deserves to know the truth. I want to be honest with her. I cannot lie to my child... but I don't want to hurt her or scare her, either.
Later, I wanted to tell DH about this conversation. He asked why I had even brought it up with Hannah. Before I could tell him much of anything, he said "Why did you do that? I think you told her too much." He did not know that she remembers, that she's been asking me about it every day or two, mentioning my pregnancy at random times throughout the week. He wondered at our daughter's memory, and seemed apologetic that I was upset by this. He didn't know.
My heart aches.
I mix the batter again, then say "ok, it's ready", meaning that it's ready to go in the oven. She thinks I mean it's ready to eat. She'd rather eat it now. I turn on the oven light, so that she can see the bread as it bakes.
Now it's 5pm. I say "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's eat some dinner."
I put together rice, cheese, beans, carrots and chicken. Hannah sits at the kitchen table with me. As I'm pouring drinks, she asks "Mommy, is there a tiny baby in your tummy? We're going to have a new baby at our house, right Mommy? But I won't tell anybody, kuz it's a secret."
This is exactly what we told her back in December, at Christmastime, and so far she still doesn't know any different. But it breaks my heart. I feel like I am lying to her, by not telling her the truth. It makes me so sad...
I try to think of how to explain miscarriage to this precious, smart, beautiful little girl who just turned three years old. I think for a minute, watching her. How much should I tell? What will she understand? Is she really listening to me?
I say "Hannah, Mommy is not going to have a new baby right now. The baby that was in Mommy's tummy stopped growing. It's not there anymore."
Still looking down at her plate, she asks the inevitable "Why?"
"The baby stopped growing inside me. Remember when Mommy was very sad?" (Of course. I know she does. She remembers everything.) She nods yes: "You cried in your bed." She pauses, thinks for a moment. "Was the baby in your bed?"
"No Hannah, the baby ...is not here. It stopped growing."
I went on to say something about how we would love to have another baby, and I would tell her when it was time, but we might have to wait awhile longer. She didn't ask anymore questions, and went back to eating her dinner.
I wish I knew what she was really thinking.
What a conversation to have with a three year old.
But I felt that I needed to tell her. She deserves to know the truth. I want to be honest with her. I cannot lie to my child... but I don't want to hurt her or scare her, either.
Later, I wanted to tell DH about this conversation. He asked why I had even brought it up with Hannah. Before I could tell him much of anything, he said "Why did you do that? I think you told her too much." He did not know that she remembers, that she's been asking me about it every day or two, mentioning my pregnancy at random times throughout the week. He wondered at our daughter's memory, and seemed apologetic that I was upset by this. He didn't know.
My heart aches.
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