Random

Our girlie little tomboy, on Easter Sunday:



And just a couple random pictures from last week:

Taking a ride with her Daddy

Wearing silly hats at a department store, with Hannah's favorite cousin.

Playing Catch-up.

Last week we spent three nights and four days in Maryland with my family. It was really great to see everyone. Hannah got totally loved and spoiled by all the relatives, and we just made happy memories and ate yummy food and spent time together. I also got to catch-up with some old friends, most of whom I hadnt talked with in years, like Caroline and the Miller family.
But there were some really bitterweet moments. Especially because Mike wasn't there with us. Emergency workers don't get holidays or night and weekends off.Easter always reminds me of newborn Hannah, and also of my first loss - as well as the amazing gift of salvation, and how all the sins I've ever committed are wiped clean with God's grace. The service we attended on Easter Sunday gave a very memorable and vivid picture of that, something I took away with me.
Plus there were also some well-meaning friends & relatives who continually asked about babies and future pregnancies. They don't know, they must have no idea how deep a casual comment can hit.
Usually I got away with saying something like "Yes, we would love to have more children, I just don't know when God will bless us again."
When one particular friend asked bluntly "Will Hannah be getting a new sibling soon?", I replied "Ask God, and pray about it for me."



Two days after returning from Maryland, my favorite aunt and 2 teenaged cousins came to stay with us. We had SO MUCH FUN with them! Hannah had a blast, especially with my youngest cousin - she's our favorite (don't tell the others though!). They visited colleges during the times that I had to work. I want them to choose UNC in CHapel Hill, I think it would be a great fit - I really hope my cuz gets accepted there! In-between my meetings, we toured around Raleigh and Durham and showed them our favorite spots to shop and eat and hang out.
On Thursday while I was working, they bought a new couch! It barely fit into their van! It's so soft and comfty and beautiful, I can't wait to sleep on it next time we visit! On Friday Mike gave us his own personal behind-the-scenes tour of Duke University and another local college, and we walked arond Duke Gardens and took some beautiful pictures. We ate dinner in the historic district of town. It was so nice to go out and be social all week!
Saturday was their last day with us, and we just HAD to go shopping together. Mie was our chauffeur. We drove to the biggest mall in town, and had a blast trying on silly outfits. Then I hit the sales racks, and got two absolutely beautiful summer dresses for myself (I cannot wait to wear them!), a new pair of jeans, which I very much needed, plus a new bra and some perfume. I spent about $90 on msyelf - I have no idea the last time I went shopping just for ME. It was such fun, and I had such a wonderful time that I didn't even let myself feel guilty about spending money only on me.

I should learn how to put pictures on this blog, we got some beautiful ones last week that I'd love to share.

On to Hannah's progress: Hannah hasn't had any accidents in the last two weeks. I think it's fairly safe to say that potty training has been mastered!!!
Another milestone passed and gone.

Mike & I finally agreed upon a new bed for her, and we'll be picking it up on Friday. Im really excited about that!

Have a good week.

March 20

WRITTEN YESTERDAY:

I started my period on Tuesday. I was hoping not to. I'ts been awful - Ive never had nasty cramps quite like this before.
I'm still struggling with my lack of being pregnant; it's still on the top of my goals list for the year.

Earlier this week, Mike scheduled himself for laser eye surgery. It will happen on April 8th. He also got his annual performance review this week, in which he did excellent, and will be getting a small raise.

Mike and I have NOT been getting along well this week. Ive been PMSing and crampy and tired and yuck, he's been stressed and sleep deprived, and Hannah's been whiny and disobedient and getting on every single one of my nerves - it's just not a good combination of things. And when we are both stressed, we take it out on each other, which only makes things worse. Plus, Mike & I have been living on completely opposite schedules, so we haven't gotten more than 5 mins to talk to each other at a time. And when we do talk - well, it's not pretty.

In the morning, as Mike starts another round of 12-hour day shifts, Hannah and I are going to my parents house for the weekend. We haven't seen my family since early December, so it will be nice to hang out with all my relatives. Also, my reasons are partly selfish: I HATE being home alone at Easter, it's just a really emotional time of year for me, and I feel slightly better when I'm surrounded by loved ones. So, we are going without him. I feel bad that we'll be away from him until Monday night, but I also feel like I need to go to Maryland and be with the rest of my family.

And the eyes have it.

Mike went to the optometrist this morning, and after some deliberation... he scheduled laser eye surgery for April 8th.
This is something he has wanted to do for many years, and we are now in a financial position to do it. He is pleasantly surprised that the whole process will go so quickly; for some reason he was under the impression that he would have to have eye exams every few months for over a year, before he could be considered for the surgery. But they say he is a good candidate.
So, hopefully in a few weeks, he will no longer need glasses! He'll be able to see much better, and won't struggle with fine print, or strain to watch tv anymore. I am excited for him.

Mike also got his annual review yesterday. He was given an excellent recommendation, and a small raise. He's been clashing with his supervisor a lot this past year, so getting the raise was somewhat surprising (she doesn't grant them easily). He also spoke yesterday with a county supervisor about some changes that he would like to implement at work.

I got a strange request tonight from my MIL. She asked that next time I visit, I bring my craft supplies, and teach her how to scrapbook! Since she's been fueling my scrap habit for years with Michael's giftcards every holiday, how could I say no?!

Last night I stayed up until 3am, writing the first portion of my book. It is still very much a rough draft, but I feel an urgency to write down everything I can remember. I don't want my memories to fade. I don't want to forget any of the details, the emotions, the events that took place. I know this project will take a long time, but I am glad that I am making a little bit of progress, slowly, day by day.

Please respond to let me know you've been here.
I'd love to know who's been reading my blog!

Nicole

Palm Sunday

This morning at church, the interim pastor talked about the characteristics of Jesus, and how he has fulfilled all the prophesies in the old and new testaments. Some of the things he brought up really resonated with me. He cited the passage “Jesus wept”, and went on to say that “Jesus is always with us. Even in our darkest times, even when we feel lonely and beyond hope – He is there, and he is crying with us. Jesus has a tear-stained face.” Sometimes I forget that our God has so much compassion and mercy. It was a good reminder for me. He also talked about how deeply Jesus loved all the creations in the world, especially children.

At the end of the service, they had an altar call. I have never done anything like this before, but I felt compelled to join this time. So, I knelt at the foot of the stage and prayed about my miscarriages, my pain and sorrow and sadness, and wanting to be pregnant again.
As I was praying silently, Esther reached out to me. Just the physical sensation of her rubbing my back was so comforting – it was as if God was using her to say and do exactly what I needed. It was amazing.
My favorite moment was when we were praying together, and Esther began crying (I shed a few tears myself!). She was talking about my unborn children, and she said “those little babies, up in Heaven… I miss them, I miss them so much.” It encouraged me so very much, that she validated my losses.
It was incredibly comforting to me. I feel so blessed that she is my friend.
I said “It really helps me, to know that I’m not the only one who misses them, or thinks about them.” She said she often thinks of me and the hard things I’ve faced this year… supporting her through the birth of her son, just days after my second loss; how we would have been pregnant together last year; how our second children would have only been a few months apart.

It is so true, that grief is eased when shared by two. (Is that a bible verse?)