Oh, Dear, Sweet Baby:
You were due on this day in 2007.
You were the first of my losses, but not the last.
Sometimes, when I am feeling especially bitter, I think about how I should have a one year old crawling around in my house right about now. But sadly, I don't.
It still pains me that you are not with us. I still mourn for you, baby.
I am so very sorry that you never got to meet your parents, your big sister, or your grandparents, or take your first breaths here on earth. You were gone before we got the chance to say hello or goodbye, and it absolutely devastated me. I remember begging and pleading, crying out to God to spare you, and save your live somehow - but you were in His hands, dear Baby, not mine. It seemed so cruel that He would take you away so soon - but I know that He is sovereign, and He has bigger plans for us. Your death, no matter how difficult it was for me to go through, has taught me several valuable lessons, including how to be a better mother.
I have a special birthstone ring on my right hand that I got especially in remembrance of you. It is the one tangible thing that I have of you. I never take it off. (Even though my fingers are now swollen every morning, I still refuse to take it off, along with my wedding rings.)
I miss you every day, little one, and I think of you all the time. I hope that somehow you know that. Whenever I listen to the song "Glory Baby", I cry, and think of you. You are still loved so very much.
Even though a younger brother or sister will be joining our family soon, they will never take the place that you left empty and broken in my heart.
I love you so much, dear one.
Love Forever, Your Mommy.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Pumpkins & Pictures.
Had a really deep discussion with my mother last night about pregnancy and parenting. My parents have been through so many hardships, it sometimes amazes me that they are still together! And it's funny: the older I get, the more I understand and appreciate my mom. She has been so supportive of me, especially through my miscarriages, and I just can't thank her enough.
She's planning to come visit in a week and a half. I think we'll have an all-girls weekend: mom, me, and Hannah!
WHY do people say annoying/rude/insensitive things to pregnant women?! Yesterday I had 3 different people make comments on my size, and tell me that I didnt look big enough to be seven months pregnant. I replied with something like "Don't worry, I've gained plenty of weight, and my doctor says Im perfectly healthy."
Actually, it is funny they would say that, when I found out just last week that this baby is measuring at least a full week BIGGER than average! So there.
And now for some pictures of our pumpkin-carving fun:
Hannah didnt like the yucky, sticky insides of the pumpkin, but she watched us carve them. Surprise: She did enjoy eating the pumpkin seeds!
The finished products. Can you guess which pumpkin belongs to which person?
Mike and I also had a funny conversation last night about having more children.
He joked "Maybe you can be pregnant next year too!" Oh no, not likely, buddy!!!
Yes, we do want more children - just not immediately. That sounds like a bit much to me. I feel like for me, having kids much less than 2 years apart is really pushing it. How would I stay sane?!?
She's planning to come visit in a week and a half. I think we'll have an all-girls weekend: mom, me, and Hannah!
WHY do people say annoying/rude/insensitive things to pregnant women?! Yesterday I had 3 different people make comments on my size, and tell me that I didnt look big enough to be seven months pregnant. I replied with something like "Don't worry, I've gained plenty of weight, and my doctor says Im perfectly healthy."
Actually, it is funny they would say that, when I found out just last week that this baby is measuring at least a full week BIGGER than average! So there.
And now for some pictures of our pumpkin-carving fun:
Hannah didnt like the yucky, sticky insides of the pumpkin, but she watched us carve them. Surprise: She did enjoy eating the pumpkin seeds!
The finished products. Can you guess which pumpkin belongs to which person?
Mike and I also had a funny conversation last night about having more children.
He joked "Maybe you can be pregnant next year too!" Oh no, not likely, buddy!!!
Yes, we do want more children - just not immediately. That sounds like a bit much to me. I feel like for me, having kids much less than 2 years apart is really pushing it. How would I stay sane?!?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday
Sunday Brunch:
After quite a hectic morning, including a rushed, lame breakfast of cold cereal, then a mad dash to church and Sunday school.... Hannah and I came home to a very quiet house (Mike was sleeping this afternoon, after working all night).
That's when I had the bright idea of "Why don't we make pancakes?"
So, she helped me gather the ingredients, we mixed up the whole wheat batter, and I even let her dump choclate chips in it, too. (They were healthy pancakes by default - I ran out of white flour today.) I added some yogurt and fruit salad to our plates, and we had an almost-balanced meal.
FUUNY MOMENT: Hannah actually FELL ASLEEP while I was cooking the pancakes on the stove! Crazy little girl!
Still, we had a fun day together. After lunch we rode bikes around the block and down the street... Hannah went almost a whole mile around the neighborhood!
Mike woke up around 3pm, and that's when things got even more fun: We carved our pumpkins! (The ones we bought at the pumpkin farm, in PA.) Hannah was scared to touch the yucky pumpkin insides. She screamed and yelled "NO!" whenever we waved our sticky, pulp-covered fingers at her. But she did play with the seeds. She even tasted them! She LIKES pumpkin seeds. Just not the orange, sticky, stringy stuff. I think her favorite part was placing them on the front porch, and putting a candle inside each one. She loved seeing the pumpkins all lit up like that.
I talked with my mom tonight, and she is planning to visit us in a week and a half. It is always fun when she visits. I think she will be the last one to stay here, in the "guest room", before it is officially turned back into a nursery again.
After quite a hectic morning, including a rushed, lame breakfast of cold cereal, then a mad dash to church and Sunday school.... Hannah and I came home to a very quiet house (Mike was sleeping this afternoon, after working all night).
That's when I had the bright idea of "Why don't we make pancakes?"
So, she helped me gather the ingredients, we mixed up the whole wheat batter, and I even let her dump choclate chips in it, too. (They were healthy pancakes by default - I ran out of white flour today.) I added some yogurt and fruit salad to our plates, and we had an almost-balanced meal.
FUUNY MOMENT: Hannah actually FELL ASLEEP while I was cooking the pancakes on the stove! Crazy little girl!
Still, we had a fun day together. After lunch we rode bikes around the block and down the street... Hannah went almost a whole mile around the neighborhood!
Mike woke up around 3pm, and that's when things got even more fun: We carved our pumpkins! (The ones we bought at the pumpkin farm, in PA.) Hannah was scared to touch the yucky pumpkin insides. She screamed and yelled "NO!" whenever we waved our sticky, pulp-covered fingers at her. But she did play with the seeds. She even tasted them! She LIKES pumpkin seeds. Just not the orange, sticky, stringy stuff. I think her favorite part was placing them on the front porch, and putting a candle inside each one. She loved seeing the pumpkins all lit up like that.
I talked with my mom tonight, and she is planning to visit us in a week and a half. It is always fun when she visits. I think she will be the last one to stay here, in the "guest room", before it is officially turned back into a nursery again.
Friday, October 24, 2008
31 weeks.
At 31 weeks pregnant, I have gained about 25 lbs total. Im really happy with that - especially since my diet has not been so good lately, with all the vacations we've been taking. I am hoping to keep it around 30-35 lbs altogether, so that means I'm still on target. My bp is still amazingly low, which is WONDERFUL news, especially with my history of pre-eclampsia. Everything is going great! Im just so thankful for our good health!
Had another ultrasound on Wednesday, and it was amazing! Saw & Heard the heartbeat (which has been a steady 150 bpm throughout the pregnancy). Even got some great head/face/profile shots, in 3d! And our New Baby has hair - peach-fuzz kind of hair, but still, I saw it! The u/s tech was really nice. She said "Believe me, not all babies are this cute and cooperative!" Baby is measuring 1.5-2 weeks bigger than average. At 31 weeks s/he is 4.5 lbs already! :) So, this one will certainly be bigger than Hannah, but Im sure I can handle it.
Everyone is convinced that this baby is a boy, but we still don't know the gender. Hannah still wants a baby sister. But we just don't know yet. It's our Christmas surprise :) Funny, it seems like everyone we know is having boy babies right now. Is this some sort of bizzare 2008-09 trend?
I wish our scanner was working, so I could share some pics. I don't know why it's not working! Everytime I plug it in, I get a weird error message. Oh well. One of these days I'll get around to copying all the ultrasound pictures.
Last night I hosted a Craft Night at church. It was just me and Melissa and Hannah who showed up, but we still had fun. I completed the first four pages of my pregnancy scrapbook. Now I need to print hundreds more pictures of our beach trip, and our family trip last week, and some belly shots of me for the other pages.
This morning I attended the southern MOPS group, and helped make crafts for a Christmas fundraiser they are doing next month. It was nice to see all those moms again. I feel like I need more of a social life, outside of Hannah and our babysitting/playdates. It makes me sad that so many of my friends live far away...!
Had another ultrasound on Wednesday, and it was amazing! Saw & Heard the heartbeat (which has been a steady 150 bpm throughout the pregnancy). Even got some great head/face/profile shots, in 3d! And our New Baby has hair - peach-fuzz kind of hair, but still, I saw it! The u/s tech was really nice. She said "Believe me, not all babies are this cute and cooperative!" Baby is measuring 1.5-2 weeks bigger than average. At 31 weeks s/he is 4.5 lbs already! :) So, this one will certainly be bigger than Hannah, but Im sure I can handle it.
Everyone is convinced that this baby is a boy, but we still don't know the gender. Hannah still wants a baby sister. But we just don't know yet. It's our Christmas surprise :) Funny, it seems like everyone we know is having boy babies right now. Is this some sort of bizzare 2008-09 trend?
I wish our scanner was working, so I could share some pics. I don't know why it's not working! Everytime I plug it in, I get a weird error message. Oh well. One of these days I'll get around to copying all the ultrasound pictures.
Last night I hosted a Craft Night at church. It was just me and Melissa and Hannah who showed up, but we still had fun. I completed the first four pages of my pregnancy scrapbook. Now I need to print hundreds more pictures of our beach trip, and our family trip last week, and some belly shots of me for the other pages.
This morning I attended the southern MOPS group, and helped make crafts for a Christmas fundraiser they are doing next month. It was nice to see all those moms again. I feel like I need more of a social life, outside of Hannah and our babysitting/playdates. It makes me sad that so many of my friends live far away...!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Our Trip, in Pictures.
First thing on the agenda: We spent a weekend in Pittsburgh, with our favorite college friends, where Mike and I first met. It was bizzare, like a walk down memory lane - except all the buildings have changed! But it was really great to hang out with old friends - some of them we hadnt seen in four or five years!!!
Our happy little family.
We went to a pumpkin farm with Mike's family.
Hannah was kind of grumpy, can you tell?
Hannah's favorite part was pulling the cart. She picked pumpkins just so that she could pull them around in the wagon.
She was super-spoiled by her grandparents, and got plenty of attention from aunts and uncles and friends, too. We ate so much candy at Nana and PapPap's house... I felt like I gained ten pounds last week!
We also got to spend a day at Hershey Park!
Reese's pieces are my new favorite candy.
Believe it or not, Hannah took this picture
She had a great time on the kiddie rides.
The park wasn't very busy, so she got to ride everything 2 or 3 times in a row!
And last weekend, we stayed with my parents in Maryland.
Since my dad's heart attack, he has been doing AMAZINGLY well.
Last month, in September, he lost 20 pounds! He looks great, and feels fine, too.
So... My crazy father and insane husband decided to go for one more swim before they closed up the pool. I didnt eve nwant to out my hands in - the waterfelt like ice!
They let Hannah "push" them in:
It was SO COLD!!!
My mother kept feeling my stomach: "Is that a hand or a foot? Or maybe the butt?"
Ummm, How in the world should I know?! There's a baby in there! That's all you really need to know!
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm having a boy this time. All of my relatives think so. I'm trying to ignore them and keep an open mind, because really, we don't know. It will be a nice Christmas surprise.
TWO MORE MONTHS until our Miracle Baby is due! :)
That means 4 1/2 more weeks until full-term!
I've been having a lot of scary dreams lately. For the past seven months, I have dreamed about going into labor early, and delivering a preemie. First I dreamed that the baby would be born at 28 or 29 weeks, now, in my dreams, it's 32 weeks - which, in reality, is coming up really fast. As long as we make it to 36 weeks without complications, I know it will be fine... I'm just nervous. My dreams keep getting worse though. It's harder for me to sleep at night. Combine braxton-hicks contractions, abdominal cramps, and charlie horse, and you get = not much sleep.
Oh well. Pregnancy doesn't last forever. Right?!
Our happy little family.
We went to a pumpkin farm with Mike's family.
Hannah was kind of grumpy, can you tell?
Hannah's favorite part was pulling the cart. She picked pumpkins just so that she could pull them around in the wagon.
She was super-spoiled by her grandparents, and got plenty of attention from aunts and uncles and friends, too. We ate so much candy at Nana and PapPap's house... I felt like I gained ten pounds last week!
We also got to spend a day at Hershey Park!
Reese's pieces are my new favorite candy.
Believe it or not, Hannah took this picture
She had a great time on the kiddie rides.
The park wasn't very busy, so she got to ride everything 2 or 3 times in a row!
And last weekend, we stayed with my parents in Maryland.
Since my dad's heart attack, he has been doing AMAZINGLY well.
Last month, in September, he lost 20 pounds! He looks great, and feels fine, too.
So... My crazy father and insane husband decided to go for one more swim before they closed up the pool. I didnt eve nwant to out my hands in - the waterfelt like ice!
They let Hannah "push" them in:
It was SO COLD!!!
My mother kept feeling my stomach: "Is that a hand or a foot? Or maybe the butt?"
Ummm, How in the world should I know?! There's a baby in there! That's all you really need to know!
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm having a boy this time. All of my relatives think so. I'm trying to ignore them and keep an open mind, because really, we don't know. It will be a nice Christmas surprise.
TWO MORE MONTHS until our Miracle Baby is due! :)
That means 4 1/2 more weeks until full-term!
I've been having a lot of scary dreams lately. For the past seven months, I have dreamed about going into labor early, and delivering a preemie. First I dreamed that the baby would be born at 28 or 29 weeks, now, in my dreams, it's 32 weeks - which, in reality, is coming up really fast. As long as we make it to 36 weeks without complications, I know it will be fine... I'm just nervous. My dreams keep getting worse though. It's harder for me to sleep at night. Combine braxton-hicks contractions, abdominal cramps, and charlie horse, and you get = not much sleep.
Oh well. Pregnancy doesn't last forever. Right?!
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