spiritually stagnant

"I'm tired, I'm worn, my heart is heavy..."
Do you know that song by Tenth Avenue North?
Do you ever feel like this too?

Yesterday I realized what it is that's lacking at the church we currently attend: No one hangs out after church. Oh, once in a while there's a Sunday lunch or potluck dinner, a few times a year. But for the most part socialization only happens during holidays or church-sanctioned functions. People don't go out of their way to spend time together. For instance, after the service this morning, I let the kids run around on the playground for about 20 minutes before we went home for lunch. Who stopped to say hi? Who came over to play with us? Nobody.

And when someone says, "Hi, how are you?", how do I know they really mean it?
Do they really care how I'm doing, or is that just a nice greeting?

Also, not that I need to have friends -just- like me, but.... everyone works. There's nothing wrong with working and getting paid, don't get me wrong, but the families at church are all two-income households. No others SAHM's to be found. It's really hard to spend time together when you have completely different schedules. Mike finds it difficult to relate to others for similar reasons - who else has his schedule?! It's hard to relate to each other when you only see each other for an hour or two a week.

It's been MONTHS since I've been able to sit through a sermon without interruptions, and it's been more than 6 weeks since someone's updated the church website and posted the audio of the sermon online. How in the world am I supposed to catch-up!?

I want to encourage and minister to others, but the only place I see to do that, with the time I have and the kids that have to come with me, is.... the church nursery. Which means I miss yet another chance to listen to a sermon and socialize with others. I still serve there once every 4-6 weeks, but I don't particularly enjoy it anymore.

I'm burned-out and spiritually dry.
There are no Bible studies or small groups meeting over the summer.
This means less opportunities for me to find spiritually encouraging friends.

I remember another time I felt like this. I was seventeen. I was giving and giving and giving my time and talents to others, and not getting anything in return. My youth group leader said I had 2 options: keep going, or step back and take a break.

I'm not ready to step back. I feel like I haven't even really started doing anything yet!
I don't want to give up on this church entirely. No church is perfect.
I guess that means I need to dig deeper - I'm just not sure what that looks like at this point in my life. Pray more? Bible study more? Outreach more?

Am I missing something?

You know what? I must be. I can't hear what God is trying to tell me over the noise of our everyday life and the restlessness in my heart. I wish I could find a women's retreat, or even a few hours of peace and quiet to figure this out.
 

I am overworked, underpaid, overtired, and completely unappreciated.
Mike has been working night shift and today he was especially exhausted.

This morning he "wanted to vent" and spent an hour complaining. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide. I tried to look past how tired he was and just nod and go about my day. Feeding children, laundry, dishes, toys, etc.

This afternoon he treated me really poorly, verging on verbal abuse. After 20 minutes of sobbing, I got an apology. I've been fighting not to cry ever since. He wonders why I get depressed - maybe it's because I am made to feel worthless. I know that my worth as a person should come from God, not anyone else. I know HE thinks I am cherished. But when your spouse acts as if you are a lazy irresponsible disrespectful wife & mother, it kind of colors the rest of your day. I know he loves me, but some days he has a totally awful way of showing it.

He says he is trying to make our home perfect. I tell him at this point that's completely unnecessary. We only moved 2 weeks ago. I am totally ok with boxes hiding behind the couch, clothes not put away, nothing hung on the walls. What in the world does he expect?!?

I don't want it to sound like Mike is always terrible to me.
I don't want to make excuses for him either.
I can't figure him out.

exhausted.

The last week has been completely physically and emotionally draining.
This week is VBS at our church, so that is also exhausting.
Three and a half hours with 12 three-year-olds would make anyone tired.
At least all the boxes are opened, and we know where almost everything is.

Mike completely lost his temper with me tonight. I don't know what set him off, but I hate when he gets so angry. Now his bff is spending the rest of the evening with us, so they'll most likely ignore me. Today, I kind of prefer it that way, being alone... although Mike gets faaaar more down time than I do.

Am I resentful, that I so rarely get time away from the kids? probably so.
I just wish he'd recognize that instead of me begging to do something on my own.